The Fear of Connection

On Valentine’s Day we got word that we have adoption certificates.  We were so excited to have a step completed that we didn’t even really know what it meant!  We have since learned it means our boys now officially have our last name – They are Rameys.  They have always been ours in our hearts, but now a piece of paper says they belong to us. 

It reminded me of our wedding day.  There is excitement in sharing a name, but it comes with a lot of responsibility and confusion.  I felt connected to Todd, but now a piece of paper would say I was – so much connected to him that I would take his name.  What would that mean?  Am I different?  Do I have to be?  Who am I if I’m not a Melrose anymore? Todd shared with me that he sat outside our first little condo and cried on our wedding day because he felt the gravity of the responsibility to love and care for another person. I could have taken that personally, but I admitted I too was shaky all day because of this name-changing conundrum. I know our boys will share that same confusion – who am I? What does it mean to be a Ramey? What does it mean to be in this family?  Will I fit in?

What we have learned and struggled with in our relationship is the beautiful and painful responsibility of connection. We have a responsibility to one another (not for one another – thank you, Cloud and Townsend, for your Boundaries book).  But we are often confused about what those responsibilities actually are.  Todd admits it is scary to have people in his care.  He feels as the provider of the family, the one from whom we all got our name, he needs to do the best he can to protect and “keep us okay.” There is fear in letting us down.  I admit that in taking his name I felt fear in being someone else’s “possession.”  Would I always just be “Todd’s wife” or would I still get to be ME? And what if I let him down? What if he is embarrassed that I’m a Ramey?  I feel a responsibility to uphold that name.  I gotta keep him happy!

Here’s the beauty about feelings – they don’t have to go away or be fixed to offer a space for deeper connection.  We are both afraid.  Neither of us wants to let the other one down. We both just want to do the best we can to care and love the other and somehow maintain a sense of self.  We both want to do things well.  We both want to be a good spouse and parent.  But the most helpful awareness for us – we realized we were both trying so hard to keep the other one okay (happy, free from pain, etc) instead of allowing each other space for feelings and consequences. And we have since realized, and still learning, that is NOT our job or a fair responsibility in relationship.  We will let each other down, not intentionally of course, and the connection happens when we talk about that instead of trying so hard to keep it from happening.  In our exhausted efforts to be the perfect spouse, we stop being real.

Being a Ramey makes me his family, his partner, the one he chose to do life with - even in all our messiness. And now that our boys are Rameys, we are welcoming them as family too – to share life with them and love, honor, and cherish them.  Is there still fear in that?  Of course.   But we can each in our humanity say, “This is scary, and I’m not always sure how to do this, but I chose you and love you, and we can figure this out together.”  

*Photo - writing his name Wendy RAMEY

Reframing Your Critic

Reframe (verb): frame or express (words or concept or plan) differently.

Have you ever heard the expression, “Those tapes keep playing in my head?”  Maybe you haven’t, since no one actually plays tapes anymore.  But in case you have, this is how I describe the barrage of negative thoughts and criticisms that roll through our minds at many points throughout the day.

I used to be in singing competitions when I was a kid and throughout my teenage years.  The judges would speak their critiques into a tape recorder while each contestant was singing.  So after the performance, I would go pick up my packet of cassettes and play back the performance – listening to myself sing something by Tanya Tucker or Bette Midler while some man or woman (who was supposedly a big deal in the music industry) would fire off, “You were off pitch right there” or “This isn’t in a good key for you.”  It was awful.  I would play them over and over and do my best to make it right the next time.  So literally those tapes kept playing – and today in some way they still play in my head.  As an adult I don’t hear, “Oh, man, Laura that was off key,” but I do hear, “Oh wow, you really screwed that up.”  How could these messages ever be helpful?  I’ve spent many years trying to quiet that voice, but what if…just maybe…that critic could be turned into something useful?

When I think about those years of competition, surely there was some good in having judges give their critiques by tape, so I could actually hear where they were hearing the need for improvement. And as I watch the Olympics, I can imagine the ice skaters or snow boarders have been told by their coaches many times, “Let’s try it again. You didn’t quite stick that one.”  One doesn’t get to the Olympics by shrugging their shoulders and saying, “Yeah, that was just okay, but I don’t need to practice anymore.” So what’s the line between healthy and harmful criticism?  Those judges or coaches could have been jerks about it, but what if they just sincerely wanted to offer help and encouragement for development? And what if our inner critics just want to do the same?

This is what I want to explore in the upcoming group I am offering “Reframing Your Critic”  (details at end of post).  Sadly many of us have “tapes” that play hurtful words someone said to us or messages we received during difficult times in our lives.  For example, someone who was abused as a child may have heard often, “You are worthless.” And now their inner critic message is just that.  That message is a lie.  So let’s assume this same person today is putting together a proposal for their boss, and the boss kindly offers some suggestions for areas of improvement, but all this person can hear the boss saying is, “You are worthless.” Sometimes truthful constructive criticisms are masked by the hurtful lies inside us.  My hope is that this group will help participants discern the difference between what is helpful and harmful.  We will work to identify the harsh critic messages we once received, gain insight into where they came from, release the burdens and lies they carry, and then reframe them into positive roles in our lives. 

So what does “reframe” mean?  As the definition above suggests, we are going to put that inner critic in a new light and help it express its needs differently.  We don’t have to silence our critic  - silencing keeps their hurt locked up.  But we can offer space to understand more about our critical messages, heal their wounds, and help them get a new name.  Maybe instead of a critic, it can become a motivator, teacher, helper, or encourager? 

I hope you can join the group, but if not, consider a few of these questions to help you begin to understand more about your own inner critic:

~What is a critical message you say to yourself most days?

~Where did you first learn/hear this message?

~Often our inner critics embody a character, symbol, color, or feeling in your body.  How do you recognize your critic?  Examples: bully (beats you up), chainsaw (cuts you to pieces), the color black (darkens your day) or a stomach ache (shame in the pit of your stomach).

~What would it be like to think of your critic as a part of you that actually wants to help or protect you?  How does that change the way your critic talks to you?

~Where can you (and your inner critic) get support to change the critic's role in your life?  God?  Counselor?  Safe friend? Mentor? 

If you are interested in joining the group, here's more info...

Breaking out of the Cage

When I started my practice over 4 years ago, I wanted some kind of tangible reminder in my office of what counseling was about for me. I decided on a birdcage.  One of my favorite songs by the Avett Brothers has a line that says, “There was a dream, and one day I could see it.  Like a bird in cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it.”  The whole song is therapeutic in itself (go here for a download and see end of post for song credit*), but something about that line has always spoken to me about this work of counseling.  Sometimes my clients come in with no hope, strength, courage, or any fight left – trapped in a cage.   I open that cage with them and help them start the journey of getting out.  How/when did they get in the cage?  Who put them there?  What keeps them stuck in there?  What are the ongoing thoughts, feelings, and actions in that cage (or the “song” their bird sings)?  As more of this awareness comes to light, it is a gift for me to watch them grow and empower themselves to get out of their cage, fly free, and start singing a new song, which is why I named my practice New Song Counseling.    

A 7-year-old client who had suffered trauma and numerous critical messages asked me, “Ms. Laura, why do you have that birdcage in your office, but no bird in it?”  I said, “Because she is free to fly now, and so are you.” 

If you feel stuck and would like to know more about how counseling could help, please visit my website for more information or email me at laurarameylmft@gmail.com.  

*"Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise" written by Scott Avett and Seth Avett

Detoxification

Detoxification (noun) – the process of removing toxic substances or qualities. 

On the phone with a friend today we were talking about how hard it is to do the healthy thing in relationships.  As we change and grow and have our boundaries, it doesn't feel good.  It’s painful.  It is not what we have always done, nor what the other person(s) expects of us.  I said, “It’s almost like a detox.”  We laughed and agreed.  I kept thinking about this.   

It is a new year – a time for resolutions and a fresh start.  So many people are doing detox diets, juice cleanses, goal lists, etc.  It is easy to think about what we want to change and set all these beautiful and lofty goals for ourselves.  They sound so great and pretty at the time.  But the “getting there” – ugh. Many New Year resolutions do not stick because the pain of getting to what we want sometimes thwarts the process. We are a “right now” society.  I want my weight loss now. I want my dream job now.  I want my relationships happy now.  All these things and a slew of others require a little pain first – a little detoxification.  If you have ever done any kind of detoxification process, then you know it sucks. Often you feel worse before you feel better. So we either forget to include a detoxification process in our goals, or we just refuse to do it. Yet this process plays an integral part in the healing journey.  What if you started this year asking yourself what you need to release or remove before moving forward?

I love the definition above because it acknowledges the removal of toxic qualities. Are you in a toxic relationship or environment?  Do you have toxic messages that play throughout your mind daily? Whether you are detoxifying toxic substances from your body or toxic qualities from your life, it is going to hurt. It is going to take some time.  We can certainly choose to keep things the way they are and avoid the pain.  That works for a little while until it doesn’t anymore – until our bodies or relationships fail.   I know this pain personally. I spent much of 2013 in an emotional and physical detoxification process.  To avoid the grief of missing my children, I found more things to “do” and “focus on” to keep my mind off the pain.  The more I could achieve or do, the better I felt. But the pain, the toxicity, was still there underneath.  And then I crashed.  My body gave up and got very sick. The detox was painful.  My heart hurt.  My relationships hurt.  But this healing process, the sloughing off of what is no longer needed, offers a space to be whole again – a clean start.  A space to be ME  - the me who does not hide in toxic beliefs or messages. And some days it still hurts.  My detox journey is still going, because I continue to face the pain of my unknown “due date.”  But I know going back to my usual way of coping with this would hurt more.  Just like our bodies can only handle so many toxic substances, our souls can only handle so many toxic messages and behaviors.

~What do you need to detox from your body or life?

~Are you ready to face this challenge? (Because CAUTION: it will be painful)

~Do you have someone you can ask to support you in this process? (Because CAUTION:  it is hard as hell and shouldn’t be done alone)

~Can you lean into the hope of how it will feel at the end of your detoxification? What will be different about you or your relationships?

Peeling Labels Off

Maybe I’ve had too much coffee this morning, or maybe I’m just ready to speak about this. I sat by during the whole Chick Fil A thing. I read the posts.  I had my inner thoughts and dialogue silently.  And now I read the Duck Dynasty stuff.  Is anyone else sick of this?  Obviously I am not the only one voicing my opinion through social media, and adding my thoughts may just continue the monotony of finger-pointing and fist shaking.  But I’d like to offer something a little different here – hopefully. 

To cope with all my anxiety about this topic, I found myself in my kitchen peeling the labels off empty jars, so I could re-use them for another purpose.  Do you ever do that?  Get all worked up and then go clean your house, shop online, or scan facebook?  Yeah, so I got this little blade out and went to town on some jars.  It felt good. And then it hit me…

What if we peel the labels off?  Peel them off Christians.  Peel them off homosexuals.  Peel them off anyone who is “different” from us? The reality is this world is made up of different types of people, and we are NEVER going to all agree.  It’s just the way it is. Regardless, labeling any person and refusing to know them as they really are is just sad.  What if we peel the labels off and re-purpose our differences for the greater good? Oh, here I go, with my talk of love, equality, holding hands and singing "Kum Ba Yah" (is that how you spell it?).  But I just can’t help myself.  And the coffee has me all jittery now, so I gotta get this out somewhere. 

Do you know someone who is gay?  Have you asked him or her about themselves? Do you know what kind of life they have had? Do you know they have possibly thought of hurting or killing themselves because of the shame and rejection they often face? Do you know what it is like to love another person of the same gender – to not feel like there is any “choice” in that, but still have others wave their Bible at you in disgrace?  Can you imagine the hurt?  If you do not know someone who is gay, then it is so much easier to stand on the position of “those people” and “their decisions” as if they are all the same and have no moral compass.  Some of the dearest people I know are gay. They have partners, children, and lives of honesty and respect.  They even love Jesus too.  Yes, it’s true.  I invite you to consider peeling the label off them and get to know them individually.

Do you know someone who is a Christian?  Have you asked him or her about themselves?  Do you know what kind of life they have had? Do you know some of them think of hurting or killing themselves because of the shame and rejection they often face?  Do you know what it is like to love and seek to follow God – to not feel like there is any “choice” in that, but still have others wave their “intolerance” flags in your face and say you are excluding them? Can you imagine the hurt? If you do not know a Christian, then it is much easier to stand on the position of “those people” as if they are all the same and have no compassion for others.  I am a Christian.  I love you.  Jesus loves you.  I invite you to peel the label off Christians and get to know them individually.  

Interesting, huh, how I just basically wrote the same paragraph twice? And I could put a blank line and write “insert here” for you to add any other type of “different” person.  We’re really not all that different when you break it down.  We all hurt.  We all feel shame. We all get angry.  WE ALL FEEL.  And often when we feel those things, it seems easier to point fingers and get all up in arms on one side or another to defend our causes or beliefs.  Please, consider putting your weapons down.  What if you tried to get to know just one person different from you – to see them with compassion and love? Grace is for all of us.  

In Hopeful Anticipation

I love Advent season and the celebration of the Christ Child.  Advent means “arrival,” and there is so much joy in arrivals.  My father was a pilot in the military.  He would be away for long periods of time when I was a little girl.  In the Christmas of 1993, he was in Bosnia during the war.  As a child I had no idea the dangers he might be in.  All I could think about was when he would come home.  And I’ll never forget that January we all crowded into the living room to welcome him home and celebrate Christmas a month late.  I even re-wrote the words to the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” as I waited for him to walk in the door.  It started out “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of my Dad…” (Go ahead, sing it).  As a grown woman I can look back and remember how painful it was for everyone to wait for his arrival – the unknowns of his safety and the actual day he would come home.  But we waited and hoped with anticipation.  And today I experience this again as a mother – waiting in hopeful anticipation for my three children to arrive from Haiti.  It is painful with so many unknowns, yet I find comfort when I think about that day they will walk in our door. 

Advent ceremonies involve lighting candles.  I love the symbolism of lighting a candle. It has always been significant to me, but I had not always thought about how it honors an arrival.  I light candles when guests are coming over. I light a candle in my office for my clients.  I light a candle to be reminded I am never alone.  In each of these times, there is an arrival to be honored.  It’s as if the flame holds the space with hope as we wait with anticipation for the arrival of whatever or whoever is to come. 

So I lit my candle this morning as I write.  It has 3 wicks – one for each of my sons: Wilnes, Woody, and Wendy. I pray for their little hearts, and I cry with hopeful anticipation. 

If you choose to light a candle today or in the coming days of Advent season, I offer some questions for you to ponder on your own journey:

~Who or what are you waiting for?

~How do you spend your time “waiting?”

~Who or what comforts you in your wait?

~What do you need as you wait?

~Imagine the arrival of who/what you are waiting for.  Lean into this hope.

May Peace be with you this season.  

Thankful

Don’t you love watching award shows – when you wait with anticipation to see who wins and then you hear their victory speech and the gratitude they bestow on all those who supported them along the way?  This was especially fun for me last week watching the Country Music Association (CMA) awards.   I was so proud to hear my husband’s name mentioned in two of those victory speeches, because I know the hard work he has given this year.  Then I had texts and facebook messages coming in like crazy saying, “was that Todd’s name I just heard on the CMA’s?  How cool!”  Everyone wants to be appreciated. Everyone wants to be thanked.  Everyone wants their work acknowledged.  And even though we don’t all get to hear it on live television, it feels good no matter how we hear it.

In this season of Thanksgiving, I invite you to have your own “award show” of sorts.

First…

What have you accomplished this year? 

What are you proud of yourself for?   

Have you worked very hard for something specific this year?

Have you overcome a major hurdle or struggle?

Second…

Whatever your answer to the questions above, spend some time rewarding yourself for what you’ve accomplished.  Show YOURSELF gratitude for how hard you’ve worked and/or what you have overcome.  Maybe this means something simple like starting a gratitude journal.  Or maybe something bigger like finally taking that vacation you have needed.  Or maybe you treat yourself to a massage or a hike with a friend. What is your award ceremony? 

Third…

Thank those who have been with you on this journey.  You may not get to go on live television to do this, but I promise a phone call, email, or card still goes a long way when you are letting someone know how much you appreciate them.  There is such a gift for both the giver and receiver when we reach out in gratitude.  It is incredibly therapeutic to hear and say a simple, “thank you.”