I cringe when I hear people say, "It's easy - just like riding a bike." I am 36 years old, and I just learned to ride a bike.
I could not admit this to anyone before. A handful of special people in my life knew the truth, but the few times I let it slip in a
not-so-safe group of people, the confused looks and laughter made me want to
run, hide, and vomit.
I could spend this post focusing on all the sad and painful
reasons I never learned before now. I’ve actually spent time in therapy talking about
it. One thing I know
for sure is I never really was any good at “playing.” Riding a bike didn’t seem
like a good use of time. How productive
could that be really? I remember playing with my friends and cousins as a kid sometimes, but I
honestly can’t remember what I did for fun.
I remember recess at school being traumatic – like what the hell am I
supposed to do with that slide and monkey bars?
My spring breaks in high school and college were spent working – I always had a job
to do.
But now I have kids, and they want to play. (Insert explicative here, because I promised
myself I would limit myself to one cuss word in this post, and I already used
it). HOW DO I PLAY? And they want to ride bikes!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
So I admitted my shameful secret to them – “Guys, I don’t
know how to ride a bike, and I am really bad at playing. Can you teach me?”
Because our boys are still learning English, their
communication and words are very precise and full of as much meaning as they
can get in one sentence. It is short, yet deep – constant one liners that make
my heart jump. So when Woody said, “Mom,
only move the handles. Keep your body
straight when you feel scared,” it made all kinds of sense to me. I had been spending my life moving my body
around in defensive response to the fear of losing control – the feeling of being
overwhelmed and unbalanced. The flailing
and fighting only left me tired and more unbalanced. What if I could let my body rest and guide myself through the fear? (This is way more than about bike riding).
Then Wilnes said, “You have to fall down a lot to learn. I have many
scars on my knees.” Right? Soak that in. I’m not even going to say much
more about that, because my boys said enough.
So I rode a bike. I am slow at it. I am still learning to navigate as the
curves and hills come. And that’s
okay. This is exactly how life feels
right now as a new mom of 3 older adopted children.
I’m falling down a lot. I’m scared.
It feels out of control. But I am
holding my body and heart in balance with gentleness and compassion while I get
used to these new wheels.
~Are you learning something new in your life? New wife, mom, job, etc?
~What is scary about this?
~Remind yourself it’s okay to fall – it’s part of the learning. What did that scar show you?
~Ask your body what it might need to help you feel more balanced while you are learning.
