tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29328387220808496872024-03-13T13:55:43.823-05:00A New SongI am a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist (LMFT) in Nashville, TN. My goal in working with clients is to help them find where they are "stuck" in the same song, heal past wounds and negative messages, and then help them begin singing a completely new song. Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-18885320002173782822019-05-11T20:46:00.000-05:002019-05-11T21:23:02.605-05:00MotherI guess Mother’s Day is an appropriate time to say I’m pregnant. It is also a time I want to honor the story of every woman in my life personally and professionally. I have a privilege of hearing very personal stories in my office every week. These stories are private, sorrowful, painful, and also joyful. I do not take lightly that these women can cry with me while I hold their pain with them, and we leave it right there in my office. I can’t tell you who these women are, but I can tell you there are miscarriages, stillbirths, infertility, loss of mothers, stories of abusive mothers, women who have been through abortion or releasing their children for adoption, adoptive mothers, women with surprise pregnancies, and on and on it goes. My clients now sit across from an obviously pregnant counselor while they share their hard stories around motherhood. And while I celebrate my little one, I hurt for every woman who is now literally faced with my unavoidable belly as she grieves. My loving request to all of you on this Mother’s Day is that we respect every woman’s story and love her the best we can. Every story has its own unique pains, struggles, AND joys. <br />
<br />
I was recently asked by a very innocent and well-meaning young woman in front of my oldest son, “What made you want to have your OWN child?” I used to get mad when people would ask these things, but I now get there truly is a lack of understanding for many people if their story is different or it’s not a “normal” thing to them. Having your “own babies” is what our culture is used to. So I wanted to write this in an effort to educate, not shame. We can support each other’s stories as we share them with love.<br />
<br />
Most of my motherhood story is mine and private, and I want to keep it that way. The parts I would like to share are for the sake of connecting and helping others understand. Many people think our baby is a “miracle” because we “couldn’t get pregnant before” – an assumption made since we adopted our boys. The truth is that we adopted them because we met our boys and knew they were ours to love and raise – no other reason. Adoption is absolutely a choice made by many parents when fertility is a challenge, and it is also not the only reason people adopt. The point is that every story is different, and it is important to me to honor every parent in their unique choices. And it is important to me that my boys know they are just as much a gift as their sister on the way. I answered that young woman with, “All my children came to me unexpectedly. All my children are a gift. And all my children are my own.”<br />
<br />
I grieve with my mom who lost her daughter the day she was born. I grieve with my clients and friends who have painfully endured multiple miscarriages. I grieve with my clients who go through one IVF after another with no plus sign. I grieve with friends and clients who have gone through every single step of their adoption process and still did not get to bring their child home or had some kind of adoption interruption. I grieve with my friend who has already lost one child to a genetic disorder and watches another struggle with the same one. I GRIEVE HARD for my son’s birth mothers. So hard. Because now as I am growing a child inside me, I cannot imagine the pain and sacrifice it was for them to lovingly release them into my care and partner with me in mothering them. I will never take that lightly. I don’t take any of these stories lightly.<br />
<br />
And dads, you are seen too. My mom told me the only time she saw my Daddy cry was when he lost his baby girl and when his dad passed away. Dads have their stories around fatherhood too. The burdens carried around having and being a parent (or not) are so real. <br />
<br />
And I don’t want to miss the JOY. I am so much more a believer that we have to hold both the joy and pain of our stories. Even in our hurts, we can embrace the gifts we still somehow receive – and they may not always come in the forms or ways we expect, but they do come. They are the small reminders we are okay. I am a stronger and more beautiful version of myself after the hurts I have healed and still healing through. I take more time to talk to strangers, hear their stories, watch the animals in my wooded backyard, clear my calendar to rest, clear my calendar for my people in crisis, lean into the uncertainty of life and trust I CAN STILL BE OKAY ANYWAY while I simultaneously have my grief. <br />
<br />
I remember seeing pregnant women not long after my pregnant friend passed away and being SO angry at them. But I was not angry at them. I was angry my friend wasn’t getting to walk around like them in this life with her pregnancy too. And I bet those women would have felt the same if they knew my story of loss.<br />
<br />
So when you see me and my obviously pregnant belly, please know I am in this with you in some way. I honor your story and do not take for granted what any of us have been through. Even my seemingly “easy” pregnancy has its own version of pain and joy that I carry with me. I carry yours with you too. I see you on this Mother’s Day – whatever your story.<br />
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-70969948746513412592019-04-20T15:11:00.002-05:002019-04-20T15:29:10.127-05:00This I KnowHave you ever experienced the feeling of shock? Do you remember what you felt, how your body reacted, what you did next? We enter fight, flight, or freeze mode, and in all 3 we are still unconsciously responding to the unexpected. We don’t really feel like we know or understand anything. It can happen after a crisis, loss of a loved one, betrayal, or any painful situation. Many people experience Post Traumatic Stress after the shock, and the lasting effects of this vary depending on the person and the event. On this Holy Saturday before Easter, I am reminded that we all have our own personal Saturday – those grieving pains that come between the death of what we held true on Good Friday and the hope of what is to come on Easter Sunday. Saturday is for grieving, burial, and resting. More on this to come, but it really isn’t wrapped up so simply in just 3 days in the reality our earthly lives. Our Saturday grief can feel like Sunday may never come. This I know. <br />
<br />
One of these kinds of moments happened for me ironically on Easter Sunday morning two years ago. I was riding in a truck, sun shining, thinking about my great weekend in one of Tennessee’s beautiful state parks, and I was eager to get home to my boys to attend Easter service as a family. Something made me check my email. My heart races even now with the memory. Spilled out line by line was one shocking disclosure after another from a stranger. I wanted to jump out of that moving truck, scream, throw up, and cry. Instead I somehow calmly asked behind my shaking voice for the truck to be pulled over. I can’t remember much of what I said or did after that, but I remember my body felt numb and my heart was the only thing I could feel, and it hurt like hell. And I distinctly remember feeling like everything and everyone was false. I didn’t feel like I knew anything anymore. <br />
<br />
I put on a smile as I walked in my front door to greet the boys and then ran upstairs to curl my hair and put on a dress so they could have a “normal” Easter Sunday morning. I stuffed the tears and the email way down. I looked around in church and wondered who else might be hurting and pretending to be okay. I don’t remember anything the pastor said, but I knew the Easter story, and I just remember wondering how I would ever feel the peace and hope of resurrection. It felt like I was stuck in the crucifixion of Good Friday. I had no idea what to do next.<br />
<br />
These last 2 years have been my long Saturday - a lot of continued grief and unknowing. And that’s not me. I always have an answer, know what to do, have a plan, and can spring into action. But I’ve waited, yelled, grieved, rested, prayed, cried, sought help, and just stayed in the unknown. When I researched Holy Saturday I found, “The day is traditionally a time of reflection and waiting.” Luke 23:56 says about this day after loss “And on the Sabbath day they rested, as the Law required.” Some of Jesus’ disciples retreated in their shame and sadness. The women who loved him rested, prepared oils for burial, and recounted the events of the past days through their anguish and grief. Saturday has its purpose.<br />
<br />
I looked back on these 2 years and realized what a strong woman I am and what can be learned and experienced when you lean into the loss and let it grow you. I have started leaning into what I DO know in the midst of the unknown. And song lyrics came to me.<br />
<br />
“Jesus loves me, this I know.”<br />
<br />
“This I know with all my heart – His wounds have paid my ransom.”<br />
<br />
Jesus loves us so much that what he did on Friday allows him to comfort us in the grief of Saturday and promises the healing of Sunday. I spend a lot of time in my office trying to help people make sense of the bad things that happened to them. And here I have been in my own hell trying to make sense of it too. And what I’ve always said to them I have needed to say to myself: “We were never promised nothing bad will happen, but we were promised over and over that Jesus loves us and would be with us in it.”<br />
<br />
I am still sitting in a lot of unknown. But this I know: Jesus love me. He knows this pain. He is with me in it. He is with all of us in our messes. Easter is more than a story of happiness. It is a reminder that we have a very real comforter who gets our pain during the Saturday between death and resurrection. When we are looking for the answers, wondering what is real, desperate in our grief – we are reminded Sunday is on the way. This I know. <br />
<br />
If you or a loved one feels stuck in a Saturday season…<br />
<br />
DO:<br />
<br />
~Offer self compassion and grace when you can’t function as you normally would.<br />
<br />
~Let yourself be sad and grieve – cry, pray, write it down, however you need to get it out. Better out than in. <br />
<br />
~Find activities that remind you of your value and that your life continues to move forward even if you feel stuck – hobbies, quality time with your people, spontaneous trips to your favorite places. <br />
<br />
~Reach out to a professional counselor for help with PTSD symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, inability to carry out daily functions, consistent irritability, panic attacks, intense anxiety or depression. And again, HAVE COMPASSION for yourself with these symptoms. It’s your body’s way of processing what happened and/or trying to keep you from being “caught off guard” again, and sometimes we need the help of a trained professional to get in the present moment and release that pain from the past that feels stuck.<br />
<br />
DO NOT:<br />
<br />
~Give yourself or anyone else a timeline for the healing. Every person and situation is different and is to be given patience and grace in their unique process.<br />
<br />
~Force yourself or someone to “get happy, be fine, or get over it.” There will certainly be times for distraction and the need to function in daily life without constant grief reminders, but don’t be surprised if something that “should” be fun doesn’t feel like fun or you find yourself not being able to “snap out” of your grief. These past couple years I have found myself feeling very confused why I couldn’t just roll with the flow at a birthday party or something else that would typically be fun, but finding joy is a much harder task when your heart is broken and you’re walking through a confusing season. Everything can feel false, so again, HAVE COMPASSION for where you are and recognize your efforts to heal. <br />
<br />
~Expect yourself to “be fine” like everyone else. Same as above. It will seem like everyone else is okay and moving on. They have possibly made it to their Sunday. And that can cause you to feel shame or confusion as to why you can’t do the same. And if you already are in your Sunday, and you are with someone who feels stuck in Saturday, please don’t expect them to feel the same as you. Offer your love, support, and grace. Trying to fix it for them or “getting them happy” can sometimes layer on the shame they already feel for not being where you are. Click <a href="https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw" target="_blank">here</a> for an awesome video by Brené Brown about empathy that outlines ways to respond. <br />
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-46202828511919406932018-06-26T08:43:00.000-05:002018-06-26T08:43:56.199-05:00The Other WomanHer skin is darker than mine, and her smile takes up all the space in the room. She laughs even though she is burdened, and she plays even though she is tired. I compare myself to her as if we should somehow be carried with the same amount of love and admiration in our boys’ hearts. But when I let the comparison go I just see 2 strong and courageous women – imperfect, broken, and beautiful. And we have touched the men in our lives with a love that has no score.<br />
<br />
Have you ever found yourself in a situation of being or having “the other woman” – birth mother, adoptive mother, step mother, betrayed wife, affair partner, the new best friend in the new town, the old best fried in the hometown, co-heads of a department or company, supporting actress to the lead? There are so many scenarios in which we hold ourselves up like 2 mirrors side by side and try to either see the same thing or break the other mirror. There is so much emotion around not being the “one” that holds all the space in the heart of your shared audience or loved one – shame, guilt, anger, sadness. And in our struggle to win, gain more attention, push the other out, stay in the background, or be the same, we lose the beauty of our unique selves that draws us into authentic relationships. Regardless of any scenario you are in as the other woman, YOU are the woman that needs YOUR attention. And when you offer yourself that connection and love, you can either: 1)For a continued healthy relationship - accept the other into a shared role in which you both uniquely contribute, or 2) For someone you need to break ties with - you can release any need to figure her out or compare her since you can’t both hold the same space anymore.<br />
<br />
I have been in both of these scenarios – one that needed to bond and one that needed to break. And both have required me to show up with a genuine love and discovery of who I am separate from the other woman. It is an ongoing journey. I have always held a genuine love and care for my boys’ birth mother, yet I have worried I can never be the same kind of mother to them as she was. And the reality is I cannot. As I laughed, danced, and shared photos of our children with her, I am reminded of how love can just be there without any need to measure it. I can accept the time of our boys’ lives she witnessed and accept mine now. I asked her about their births, and she asked me about their soccer games. And she glowed as she told me how happy she is for them now. I can’t imagine the grief she must hold as their birth mother all while entrusting me joyfully as their mother too. <br />
<br />
And when releasing the other woman who needs no more space in your life, the same can be true even if there’s not a happy acceptance of each other. Notice both of you as broken people who hurt, grieve, and fall apart. I am learning forgiveness is not a task to check off as “done” – it is a journey to keep living out. And that journey requires more focus on the total living, breathing, feeling soul inside your own body – not hers. Let her go knowing she is a part of a story that may have pointed you toward your own growth somehow. And she doesn’t have to stay a character in the story anymore. You are always the First Lady of your own House.<br />
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-51026578951666919732017-11-22T21:17:00.000-06:002017-11-22T21:51:42.875-06:0039<div class="MsoNormal">
A month before my 38<sup>th</sup> birthday last year, I laid
in bed staring out the window into the dark night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mind wandered in sleeplessness, and my
heart ached in confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life had
ended up far south of WhereIAlwaysHopedVille. I had a couple decisions in front
of me – give up or fight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was in a
little Airbnb in Portland, ME with a beautiful bay of water out the back
door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Giving up meant I could walk right
out into it and float away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fighting
meant I could lay right here until the sun rises – until there is light again,
and I see a way to do this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At that
point in life, I had thankfully learned to look for light no matter how dark.
So as I gazed out the window, I locked my eyes on a streetlamp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I imagined Jesus himself had just erected it
there for me to remind me He was there. I watched that pale glimmer until I finally let myself fall
asleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next morning I made a pot of
coffee and drank all of it and made the decision to fight – mostly for
the love of the woman inside me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just looked back at my social media post on my 38<sup>th</sup>
birthday last year – the month after I made that declaration to fight for her –
I was bare faced, messed up hair, and embracing the vulnerability and bravery
of the woman I was becoming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today at
year 39 I’m still celebrating that 38 year old. At the darkest time, she made a choice to
hope. At a time when I felt like I could lose so
much, I decided it was the best time to gain ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I prayed more than ever – (but don’t lose
me here, folks – this isn’t the “pray your way to getting good news and happy
things” kind of cookie cutter spirituality).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
was my desperate plea for God to remind me who He was, who I was, and what we
were together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew I could pray about
all those dark things, and they may stay dark, but I needed to know what the Light could do in the midst of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
instance, when people thank God for answering their prayers of removing their
cancer while another Jesus-loving person with praying friends dies from it, how
do we reconcile this? I can’t, and I don’t even try to anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I know for absolutely sure is that
Jesus shows up to bring comfort in the dark. He brings the Light even if the
dark stuff still comes. And that’s how we can make it when things aren’t going
our way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That year I looked for
streetlamps, car headlights, and flashlights. I lit candles, plugged in
nightlights, built fires, and lit matches and just stared at them – and then
prayed a prayer heard from one of my favorite writers, Ann Lamott – “Help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Help me. Help me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew it may quite possibly stay dark, but I
knew I would find Light every time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
process woke me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came to know Jesus
and the Holy Spirit – not just a “Heavenly Father” who I thought needed me to
perform and do things right. I sat in my favorite chair a lot and practiced
nothing but being there and letting Jesus be there too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I always lit something – a candle or
maybe a fire under my own ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was
learning to love myself and others from the place Jesus already loved me - in a complete mess.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was delivered blow after blow last year, and I just kept
looking for Light and finding love and comfort every time. I kept loving harder from a bigger place and
presence outside my humanity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some
point I may share more specifically about those hard times (it’s all simmering appropriately), but my most important lesson on this 39<sup>th</sup>
birthday is that it is always worth seeking Light and fighting for mySELF – it spills out into my other relationships in a way I could never
have done out of my own human strength.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love myself and my people more every day. I forgive myself and my
people more every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy year 39 to
ME.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-65980238369387376902017-10-22T14:07:00.000-05:002017-10-22T15:48:02.209-05:00Expectations<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_f3ujVSVkSc/We0Bwc9ilQI/AAAAAAAABtc/3oNHaUXay2A3Ck0UlD9Ljioue6bqx3qkACLcBGAs/s1600/pumpkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="1136" height="200" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_f3ujVSVkSc/We0Bwc9ilQI/AAAAAAAABtc/3oNHaUXay2A3Ck0UlD9Ljioue6bqx3qkACLcBGAs/s200/pumpkin.jpg" width="176" /></a>I eyed each pumpkin in the patch trying to determine which
ones would perfectly stack on each other to make that pristine gourd
tower.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know – the one on every
southern home porch that shouts “It’s fall, y’all.” Even though that phrase
makes me cringe for a variety of reasons, I somehow still “fall” into the expectation that my home in Tennessee
should follow suit and don this autumn awesomeness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually they started growing some kind of
fungus on them, the top pumpkin fell off and broke its stem, and one of my kids
just snuck in a blue one he painted in the mix.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not what I expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But somehow
it’s more honest and representative of me now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And it made me laugh at how “perfectly” it goes along with what I had
just been writing on a recent trip to NYC.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We grow up with a list of expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are developmental stages we are
expected to meet – first steps, first word, first day of school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are expectations about being a spouse
and parent – stay present, keep dating, show up to soccer games.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are unspoken expectations about being
male or female – wear this/not that, stay strong/stay silent, do this type of
job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are the unrealistic
expectations we place on ourselves and others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And what happens when we miss these marks?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At almost 39, I’m learning the important difference
between expectations and dreams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dreams
bring hope and can guide us to our heart’s deepest desires.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they don’t “come true,” they leave
room for more exploration and creativity. But expectations, when not met,
foster resentment and rob us of our truest selves. I have been living most of my
life with a list of unmet expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
it’s exhausting.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was going to be a famous singer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was going to get married and have a baby or
2 or 3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, I am a therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am married with 3 adopted boys. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And even those roles are riddled with
expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, because I am
a therapist, I’m “expected” to be a good wife and a good mom because I have a
degree that says I know about relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am sitting here in a courtyard hotel in New York City grieving all the
ways I have missed those marks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even
have an expectation of myself right now that I should be out walking around
the city taking in all the sights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Internal dialogue is “Why are you sitting here writing? You can do this
at home. You don’t have the Statue of Liberty at home!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this is the internal dialogue that keeps
me trapped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I start obeying it, and I
move away from my heart and soul that is whispering softly what it really
wants. But today I did not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sit here
wrapped up in my new cozy scarf doing what I NEED to do to honor a voice inside
me that gets muted too often. Life is too short and too hard to keep operating
in the expectations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want the dreams.
I want to sit right here and write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
takes courage to move toward dreams and away from the expectations.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As both a child and adult, I like resolving conflict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I became a therapist, because I love the role
of helping people find emotional health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Early in my career I had an expectation this would also mean a
guaranteed life of health and happiness because I would have all the “how to’s”
as a spouse and parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No way I can
mess this up if I’ve got the rule books. I’ve grown to love this “Performer Part”
of me that so innocently studies and achieves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She is determined and beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Her heart craves balance, love, connection, and validation. Yet where
she was sadly unaware is that this could not be all up to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No amount of reading, no diploma or license,
no LMFT credentials behind her name on a website or office door could keep her
from the pain of living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when things
started going completely awry, she mistakenly believed she had failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This part of me took on the shame of where my
life had landed – that somewhere I didn’t “cross the t or dot the i” and now
it’s all my fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then the shame spiral
spins out of control: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who will come see ME for therapy?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if I had only done a, b, c…?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What will people think of me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How did I mess this up?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How can I make life “right” again?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All these shame thoughts come because my lovely ambitious
Performer Part thinks she failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
had expectations to meet, and she didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She thinks all those expectations were squarely and primarily on HER
shoulders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know how a football player gets injured and can’t play
anymore, or a writer breaks her wrist and can’t type, or a singer loses her
voice?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you think those people failed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Author Jen Hatmaker spoke straight to my
Performer Part in her most recent book “Of Mess and Moxie.” She writes: “The <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">main thing</i> is attacked, and no amount of
devotion could stop it. It is a watershed moment when we start bargaining with
God. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Anything but this, Lord. I did
everything right! I invested wholeheartedly. I sacrificed greatly. I nurtured
this specifically. I need this particularly. I love this especially. How could
this go down despite my dedication</i>?...The problem is life.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can know everything there is to know about our field or
given profession. We can study it, do it, and nail it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And life still freaking happens to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So today I am telling my Performer Part what
a brave and beautiful woman she is. I want her to know how hard she has worked
and what good things have come from her determined and well-intentioned
efforts. She read all the books, got the 4.0, won competitions, ran the
marathons, kayaked 12 miles alone, got her Master’s degree, worked tirelessly
to bring her 3 kids home from Haiti, walked through painful events with her clients,
and now she is courageously fighting for the hurt parts of herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And today she must know – there are no more
expectations of her except to honestly show up with her heart. I want her to
lift all that shit off her shoulders. You did a good job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t do this by yourself anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was never all up to you, and it still
isn’t. You do your part, and let others do theirs. You can’t be held
responsible for the choices of others or the storms of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Serenity prayer yourself through this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I move from expectations to dreams, an important shift
happens. I remember I have help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Expectations
say it’s all up to me and that any mistakes or hardships mean I’ve failed.
Dreaming means I have good ideas and gifts to offer the world, and I can do my
part to be the person I want to be. I can trust the pain of life will be used
to keep growing me. I have a compassionate Jesus who strengthens me. I used to
believe He was up there waving a wand and making good things happen for people
who were doing all the “right” things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But now more than ever I realize we were never promised easy, good,
happy, perfect lives free from pain - no matter the level of performance. But we were absolutely promised He would
love and comfort us in it. From this perspective, here’s how that shame spiral mentioned above levels back out:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People will want to see ME for therapy because I am an
imperfect person who gets life with them. I have done (and still doing) my healing work too. I have some great tools and
resources to share, and yet my compassionate
heart outweighs the books I’ve read and skills I’ve learned.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could have done a, b, or c….and other life things could’ve
still happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> There is actually freedom in knowing I am ultimately not in control, yet always loved through it.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some people will still absolutely question or judge me.
That’s just life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there will also be
people who think I’m brave and are thankful I’ve walked in their shoes and can
sit in the pain with them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t mess this up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Another of my favorite authors, Glennon Doyle, says “I am a feeling
person in a messy world.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s no making life “right” again. Because it never
was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just keep dreaming and
rearranging the pumpkins.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What expectations did you have of yourself or something in
your life that did not get met?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Can you grieve those losses and accept human imperfection and
the hardship of life?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Are you carrying a burden of responsibility that isn’t
really yours? How can you release it?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~How can these “failed” expectations be turned into dreams
now?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~ What rearranging needs to be done in order to be who you
truly want to be?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-57820207284455243412017-08-05T12:39:00.000-05:002017-08-05T13:04:53.580-05:00Wonder Woman<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had a conversation with a friend
recently who also likes to write. We both desire to be transparent about
our stories, but sometimes there is a risk of that story exposing too much and
potentially being harmful. It’s a fine line we walk to stay honest and
vulnerable, yet protective and respectful. The telling of our stories is
for healing, not harming. It’s not healthy for me to lay all my dirty laundry
out for everyone – at least not before the rinse cycle. What is healthy is being honest about painful experiences yet seeking resources to heal and grow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So when I sit down to write I ask,
“What will help someone? How can I be vulnerable, yet careful? Honest
about the hardship of life, but also inspirational and hopeful?” It is crucial
to me to connect with others in the hard of life, because that’s also where the
good stuff grows from later. So in probably one of the hardest places of
my life right now, I’m summoning courage to start telling the story – honestly,
safely, respectfully, and with hopefully appropriate timing and grace.
I’ll be writing about it in pieces as I trust each part to show itself
ready. I am starting with a super hero story. Because I need her in order
to do this. Because I am her. <br />
<br />
My son Woody had been asking me to go see Wonder Woman for weeks now. While I
loved everything about this, I was having a hard time finding a good day to
make it happen. I trusted it would work out at just the right time – as most
things do. One day it felt like something that had to happen. It
wasn’t just a request from my son but a plea from my insides to have
inspiration from a woman in a cape. It was one of those days where I felt like
I might not be able to “fight” another thing. I was exhausted, helpless, and
hopeless. I was waving the white flag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found myself weeping in the middle of
a scene where Wonder Woman goes into “No Man’s Land” to fight for love against
the enemy. Click <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIEwkn-Q2Oo&sns=em" target="_blank">here</a> to see the clip on youtube.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is crouched down holding her shield in
front of her being pummeled by arrows and bullets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is leaning in, bracing herself, gritting
her teeth, and standing her ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
was in awe of her strength in defense of herself and everything she was
fighting for. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Guarding yourself is a
necessary part of the battle.</i> Eventually she is joined by her fellow
soldiers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was in my own
counseling session recently (because, YES, counselors needs counselors too –
this is how we help you. Circle of life.), I shared how this scene moved me and
that I felt like Wonder Woman in that moment – trying to stand strong and not
be hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So then my therapist asked me
to picture who would be joining me on the battlefield.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My powerhouse team of women came rushing out
on the front lines with me. They weren’t there to fight the battle FOR me, but
alongside me in support. We all have our own battles to fight, so we show up together to fight them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you don’t know Wonder Woman’s story,
she was fighting for love – true love, love for the marginalized, love for
self. That is an exhausting battle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
sometimes all you can do is put up your shield and lean into the enemy fire. Although
Wonder Woman could have fought alone and still won, even this super hero had
her people by her side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I put my shield down just
for a minute to rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
pictured my platoon standing guard with their shields while I took a nap with
my cape around me and let Jesus comfort me. I wrote this part of the story. I ate my
favorite coconut milk ice cream. I called one of those soldiers to get a glass
of wine with me. I cried and prayed a lot. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll join the battle again when it’s time to
fight, and the fight will continue to be for love – the truest love for mySELF
and my people. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right now I am loving and
honoring myself for the fierce protection of my shield and the ground I have
stood. There is a time for everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">What I continue to learn is that all
growth does NOT happen in my time or way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Just when I thought I was at my "best," along came another season - another layer ready for peeling. Growth</span> always involves pain, courage, strength, rest, fighting, and
eventually joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always involves a
team of people who love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the past
I have hurried toward the joy – to get to the end of the battle the quickest
and easiest way possible – no time for pain or rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But pain and rest are great teachers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must honor their timing, lessons, and
gifts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to believe true joy and strength awaits
after true grief and loss - that "face down in the arena" moment that author Brene Brown talks about. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">One of my fellow soldiers gave me my
own version of Wonder Woman bracelets that say “Braver than you believe.
Smarter than you think.” Yes I am. So are you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Trust your trial to grow and teach you, and don’t go into battle
alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pg8err5wg58/WYYIvPGb8OI/AAAAAAAABtM/MWqKMa3SfXEXHgA-LYVNRIqsTS2WwINXQCLcBGAs/s1600/wonder%2Bwoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Pg8err5wg58/WYYIvPGb8OI/AAAAAAAABtM/MWqKMa3SfXEXHgA-LYVNRIqsTS2WwINXQCLcBGAs/s320/wonder%2Bwoman.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-70733441311399854802017-05-17T08:17:00.001-05:002017-05-17T09:44:03.004-05:00Just Keep Swimming<div class="MsoNormal">
“Attention, you have 15 great white sharks near you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please calmly exit the water.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was the alert from the Officials in
Orange County, CA to a group of beachgoers – see full article <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/05/12/you-are-paddle-boarding-next-to-approximately-15-great-white-sharks-chopper-tells-calif-beachgoers/?utm_term=.6b5538b0caa0&wpisrc=nl_most&wpmm=1" target="_blank">here</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thanks for the heads up, but CALMLY
exit the water?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the reality is that when
in crisis, in the middle of trauma, in the midst of danger, we are advised to
“stay calm.” Why? And what does that even mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our hearts are pounding. We are scared. We are possibly hurting. We feel
crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We think we might die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How are we supposed to stay calm? But somehow
we do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This specific kind of thing may not have ever happened to
you. But we have all been surrounded by “sharks” at some point – in the middle
of danger, fear, crisis, hurt, pain, and uncertainty. And we panic –
naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I get out of this?
Where do I go?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How will I survive this?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Last Saturday night my husband and I drove past a truck in a
ditch – horn honking and lights flashing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was obvious the accident had just happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I yelled to Todd to pull over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I ran to meet a young boy stumbling out
of the truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked if he was okay,
and he was crying and obviously drunk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He begged me to stay with him until more help came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Through his beer breath he told me how mad his mom would be, how much
trouble he would be in, how sorry he was. He was surrounded by his
“sharks.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked him to take deep
breaths, tell the truth, and keep taking the right next step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said, “We’ve got to get you to safety
first, and the rest will be figured out later.” Police showed up, but I held
his hand until his mom came.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we are
in trauma, we need the nearness of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And when his mom arrived, after holding her son, she buried her tearful
face on my chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her sharks were
circling too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her she was a good
mom, doing a great job, and she would get through this – that more would be
revealed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I cried too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many of my favorite writers and bloggers advise not to write
about things you are still processing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We take huge risks to put our mess out there in public when there’s so
much debris still flying around from our shit storm. Until the debris has
landed and we sift through what is trash to dispose and what is a treasure to
repair, we keep the work of the trauma and its aftermath safely close to us and
with the people we love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stay “calm.”
We calmly exit the water and turn to our safe people and ask "What the F just
happened?” And then we get still and rest for a minute…or the next year or
2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently experienced my own shark story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It feels like they are still circling. But I am
calmly getting out of the water. That’s the piece I can write about right now. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started writing a step by step process for “calmly exiting
the water.” I am now laughing my butt off, because that’s impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are not going through a checklist as we
get out of shark-infested waters. We are just getting the heck out of
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The beauty of our human nature is
that we do inherently know what to do in crisis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though we go through fight, flight, or
freeze, we instinctively do what feels natural to survive. “Getting calmly and
safely to shore” for me has been breathing, asking for help, and to keep
swimming. Remember good old Dori from Finding Nemo?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Just keep swimming” means I breathe, go to
bed, breathe, wake up, breathe, drink coffee, breathe, drink water, breathe,
eat, breathe, pray, breathe, connect with a safe friend, and breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep my vision on the shore as I swim – the
place where I feel safe from the sharks – and trust its provision for me
there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Decisions do not have to be made
right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not swimming to shore
thinking about all the next steps once I reach safety. I’m just getting to
shore. And after all that swimming, I need rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
People who have been through trauma are often asked, “How
did you know when you were going to be okay?” The answer to this question is
most likely their place of hope and resilience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s their “shore.” They have landed safely away from the sharks. And as
they reflect on the pain and fear, they can also remember what it was like to
land safely – their bodies and hearts lying tired and broken on comforting
ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At some of my hardest places
during crisis when I was crying and “swimming,” I remember seeing a beautiful
Iris that had just bloomed open in the middle of weeds. I saw a female Cardinal
gathering twigs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I opened my puffy eyes
to the sunshine outside my window now warming my tears. I got a million
messages from people I love offering comfort, love and encouragement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All these places are my shore. So now I lay
here and just rest in their comfort until next steps are clearer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is enough right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just keep swimming with your eyes on the
shore, and then rest your weary souls there. <o:p></o:p></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-71879720194250806742017-03-26T14:37:00.000-05:002017-03-26T15:53:05.644-05:00Before EasterI did not know what to expect. I just knew this was something I was supposed to do. There isn’t a manual for parenting, so there certainly isn’t one for taking your adopted child back to his homeland to visit biological family. It is a mix of exciting and terrifying. And now that I’m back home, it’s a mix of anger, guilt, sadness, and joy. I’m taught as a therapist that these polarized feelings are normal. I “know” it. And experiencing this paradox is a whole other ballgame. Sidenote – as a therapist, I’m also a person. I don’t counsel people because I have all the answers or have it all together. I counsel people because I get it. I have compassion and some useful tools to share. I suffer too. And I am resilient too. We’re all doing this hard shit together.<br />
<br />
I am still processing this trip. I am still processing being a parent. I’ve learned not to write about things (in public) I’m still processing. And even if I wasn’t still in the beautiful chaos of it all, there are so many moments from this journey that are far too precious to share. Some moments are too holy for the whole world to see – they are meant just for my little tribe. But some moments are meant to be shared. Sometimes there is no other way to be in the suffering but to let it roll off my fingers onto this keyboard and into some form of viewing existence. Because then it’s real and not all funnel clouded up in my heart causing destruction. And every time I write I desire to connect with myself and others. <br />
<br />
So what I know for sure about this trip and am ready to write about is the obvious connection to this part of my life and the season of Easter. When I was little I always had the cutest new Easter dress, bonnet, and basket. I hunted eggs, ate Peeps, and took pictures with the Easter bunny. I heard the story of Jesus’ resurrection and felt all the good feels. I also heard the story of how Jesus was crucified, but as a child, not much time was spent thinking about that. Jesus flying up in the air and watching those Cadbury commercials were way more fun. But as an adult, I contemplate the crucifixion much more. What was the purpose of that? It came BEFORE the rising, BEFORE the joy, BEFORE all the good feels. Most importantly, we had to have a Savior that knew what it felt like to suffer, so He could really get that with us. I’m not a Biblical scholar, but I haven’t seen anywhere in the Bible where we were promised to not suffer. But each time we were promised we would not be alone in the suffering – that Christ would always be near. He can be near, because He gets it. When I’m in my parenting shame shack, I immediately text 2-3 safe people who I know have been there and will affirm they get it (I literally just did that seconds before writing this). I do this because I don’t want to be alone. None of us want to be alone. And even if we don’t have a person with skin nearby, Jesus is always available. Sometimes I imagine myself right next to Him in the garden the night before He was crucified. We sit and cry together, asking God why, admitting our fear, and surrendering to the pain. It doesn’t feel “better,” but I’m not alone, and that does feel better. And I remember His story turned out pretty rad. So maybe mine could too. <br />
<br />
So, back to the Haiti trip, one day we were stuck in a van for 6.5 hours in traffic. This is not Nashville traffic. Let me paint a picture for you. No traffic signals or signs. Cars, motorcylces, trucks, goats, cows, disease infested dogs, pedestrians just moving forward slowly (or not at all) and hoping to be getting somewhere. Piles of trash line the streets with people and animals digging through it with hopes of sustenance. Windows down and deep breaths don’t bring relief – they bring toxic polluted air into your lungs and dirt into your nostrils and earlobes (think crusty black boogers and charcoal qtips later). Men walk by your barely moving vehicle hoping to sell you water or plantains, because you’re so effing hungry and thirsty from being stuck in there. You contemplate going number one in your water bottle, but you need your water. You might go number two in your pants from whatever you have eaten there. You want to scream when you find out you’ve been going one direction for 2 hours only to find out a bridge is out, so you have to turn around and find another way. No radio warned you of this – just a guy who is now driving the other direction after someone told him. No system. No structure. Just chaos, trash, and delirium. <br />
<br />
I looked over at Todd, and we shared our WTF glances. We squeezed each other’s hands and knees. We couldn’t cuddle because it was too hot. But we were stuck in that van together – doing what we thought we should be doing as parents. We started talking about how it felt like a waste of time – that we intended for our son to have this beautiful and meaningful time with this bio family in their village, yet here we are in this stupid van in traffic. Why?? We both hate wasted time. We were able to talk about that (we had 6.5 hours to talk about a lot of things). And then I said, “hey, remember that time in NYC when we were so sick and we had to stay in the hotel in bed all day? What a waste! But then we crawled out of bed after our last diarrhea and got on the subway to take a picture of the Christmas tree in Rockafeller Plaza before going back to bed. Maybe we’ll at least get a Christmas tree moment today.” We hung onto that – and each other’s sweaty hand.<br />
<br />
And by 4:30pm that day we made it to our destination. I walked behind and watched my son hike up a mountain to his parents’ hillside tent and be greeted by numerous brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews. It was our Christmas tree. We were welcomed with smiles, hugs, and a feast of goat and plantains they had lovingly prepared for us. As I said, there were too many precious and painful moments to be shared publicly, but this moment is universal for all of us. Whatever your suffering is, whatever you are waiting on, whatever you think is a waste of time, whatever is painful, whatever is not making sense on this point of your journey – You are not ever alone, and eventually you get little Christmas tree moments. Reach for Jesus. Reach for your safe people. Trust the process of suffering to grow you, heal you, and bring you ever closer to yourself, others, and Jesus. <b><i>Suffering invites connection. Lean into it. There is always the hope of a resurrection coming. </i></b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-1482031987597781702017-02-24T18:35:00.005-06:002017-02-24T21:18:16.045-06:00V.I.P.<div class="MsoNormal">
A few nights ago I went to a concert at 8:30pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suddenly felt like I was in my 20's
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally I am winding down from a
long day of clients, ubering my kids, getting groceries, or tending to some
need somewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>8:30 is when I put on my
PJ’s and try to shut my brain down from doing more things on the task
list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that night I was looking for a
parking garage in downtown Nashville so I could get to the Dan+Shay show at The
Ryman with my husband.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I picked up my VIP sticker and Todd escorted me
backstage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walked behind the curtain
of the stage and had to catch my breath thinking about all the legends who have
taken these same steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve made that
walk behind the curtain so many times, but I notice these moments and
appreciate them more now. My twenty-something self who had been there before had no clue yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stood in the balcony and watched the guys
sing their hearts out and tell stories of how they came to Nashville with all
their hopes and dreams, and now they’re here performing at the Mother Church to
a sold-out crowd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard my husband
share his pride and excitement for how far they have come. I saw, felt, and
experienced all this at a time when I would have normally been in my pajamas
already.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was thankful to feel all this
again with new 38 year old eyes and ears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I was sad about moments I had missed prior to this night (more on that later). </span>I appreciate it now more than ever. Fast forward to the next day…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was sitting in the youth group parking lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just dropped the boys off but was going to
have to get Woody again to go to a soccer practice in 30 minutes, and then pick
him back up an hour later, along with getting Carl from youth group (Did you
follow that? Me neither).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I had short
spurts of time in between to kill – not quite enough for Target or Costco, but
just enough to feel irritated there was nothing I could do with that time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I ate my dinner out of Tupperware in a
parking lot with my window down - alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I felt sorry for myself, I looked down and realized I had a giant hole
in the crotch of my jeans (thankfully not my new grown-ass woman jeans – read
that blog post <a href="http://newsongcounseling.blogspot.com/2017/02/baby-got-back.html" target="_blank">here</a>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Awesome. Most
likely I had shown all my clients my leopard print underwear that day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to think I sit professionally, but no,
usually cross-legged, prime position for panty peeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I teetered between shame and laughing my
butt off, a couple high school kids walked by and said, “woah, hey hot mom.” Cue
internal bursts of worthiness sunshine: I’ve made it - I’m a hot mom! I cannot
tell you how much the reality of my life became clear in that 5 minute
window.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m in a parking lot eating my
chicken fried rice with a hole in my pants and being hit on by teenagers. Just
the night before I was a VIP backstage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somehow
I still found a way to appreciate this moment too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s because of the “liminal space” I’ve been
in. More on this later too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now let’s rewind
to about 4 years ago…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was not a mom yet - a mom in my heart but not in my
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was grieving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had also made it to the point in life where
all my over-achieving, urgencies, tasks, relentless exercising, and work had
knocked me down. I realized I wasn’t superwoman. I crashed. I had panic
attacks. I couldn’t get out of bed. I hurt all over. I cried a lot. I was not
who I remembered being. I didn’t necessarily want to go back to all those old
things, but I was also not who I wanted to be yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was freaking stuck. I stopped going to
concerts. I stopped enjoying life. Not because I didn’t want to, but I was
literally frozen in my pain. Stress and grief are bitches, people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will try to take your life away from
you. Thankfully I am getting mine back with Jesus, yoga, meditations,
stillness, new perspectives, and good neurotransmitter boosters. And counseling! (Counselors need counseling too. That’s how we can help you! We are people
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t wait to write that blog
post). I am also a big believer that no time is ever wasted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently read about “liminal space.” Author
and theologian Richard Rohr describes this space in his book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everything Belongs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Liminal comes from the Latin word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">limina </i>which means threshold.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>This
place of waiting is a “unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be
but where God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and
true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is when you are finally out of the
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is when you are between your old
comfort zone and any possible new answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with
ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible
cloud of unknowing.” Learning to be uncomfortable and trust there is something
new coming is the most tortuous and beautiful thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have hurts and resentments from this gap of
time in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I know for sure it
has made me more awake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I know I am still in this space unfolding into the woman I
want to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But at present I have holy
jeans, fancy solo parking lot dinners, and an occasional backstage pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s enough right now. I can be right
here and be thankful for all of it. I notice<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Todd’s accomplishments and feel so proud of him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dance and sing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful that my children have a safe and fun place to go on Wednesday nights while I take a deep breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I laugh at my imperfections. I am learning to
accept all the realities of life – the inconvenience of my schedule being ruled
by teenage boys and the opportunity to hold my husband’s hand at a crosswalk in
downtown Nashville after a show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to notice each moment now and do not take it for granted. I put my sticker on my steering wheel so I keep Very Important Perspective no matter where I'm going - concerts, soccer practice, work, date, wherever. I am every beautiful woman – yesterday, today, and tomorrow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
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<br /></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-24788896253621941652017-02-14T17:53:00.000-06:002017-02-14T18:11:37.559-06:00Baby Got Back<style>
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</style> I had an unexpected break from work today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People were sick and cancelled their
appointments, so I looked at my afternoon and wondered what to do with
myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband is out of town for
work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My kids are at school and
basketball games.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spend much of my
time tending to others’ needs, so I usually have to get my magnifying glass to find
pockets of minutes in my iCal to do something just for me. But St. Valentine
just dropped a big block of hours in my day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt pulled to the mall. I never go to the
mall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact I don’t like it, but today
it felt like where I was supposed to go. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I needed jeans, but I hate shopping for them. I decided to "try on" a new perspective, and it was so healing.</span> I realized today was about loving
my body.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The relationship I have with my butt is an ever-growing (no
pun intended) connection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started
“filling out” at the age of 11 – but not where I wanted to. I had to wear these
really tight pants as part of my uniform at my first job at McDonald’s, and a
trucker said to my 16 yr old self, “You fill out those pants real nice,
darlin’.” I felt disgusting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A family
member told me I needed a wide-load sign on my butt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>True story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was said as a joke, but a 14 yr old girl does not find this funny. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to make my own big butt jokes, because
hey, I want to put myself down before you do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I started diets…or just didn’t eat. My face and waist were bones, but
that backside kept her curves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wasn’t
budging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When Sir Mix-A-Lot came out
with “Baby Got Back” I felt like it was my anthem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I acted like it didn’t bother me when someone
said about me, “Isn’t she a little too thick to be Miss Teen of Oklahoma?” But
I died inside. And I quickly responded, “It was a scholarship and recognition
pageant – you have to be SMART to win!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I thought I was somehow putting him in his place, but really I was just
agreeing I was thick but had other qualities to cover up for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a singing competition I was told not to
wear jeans on stage because, “You’re a little too curvy.” I’ve got more stories like
this. And the thing is I WASN’T EVEN OVERWEIGHT! But my butt and people’s
opinions of it made me feel like I was as big as Texas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as I write this I am crying a little for
that young beautiful girl in me who thought her ass was her identity and that
it was too much.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Shopping for jeans was the absolute worst. I suspect it is
for many females. But when you are 5’3” with an hourglass figure, there are a
variety of problems. The waistline sticks out, you have to hem them for your
short legs, if the waist fits then your butt looks giant…er.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As an adolescent I would cry at the Buckle
store every mother-loving time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
went in and self-proclamied, “I need jeans for a big butt.” Here’s what
happened today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I walked right in and
proudly asked for help <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and said, “It’s
always been so hard for me to find jeans for my body shape. I have a small
waist and these really rocking curves. Can you help me?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She smiled and was so excited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She brought me 10 pairs to try on. I felt
like a queen. She just kept bringing jeans and asking me what I thought about
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not put my body down one
time. I said things like, “these don’t accentuate the right spots.” I didn’t
blame my body. I blamed the jeans and put those back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I found my jeans. I danced in the mirror.
I celebrated this booty-ful woman I saw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those stories from men in my past told my little girl self a
story about her worth and beauty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grieved
with her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I showed compassion to her.
And now I am telling her a new story – that I am a grown-ass woman who has her
back now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t let those stories be
hers anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We do what highlights our
beauty. We ask for help. I don’t hide her or shame her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I put her in new jeans and remind her that
even these clothes and how she looks in them aren’t a measure of her
worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> When I changed perspective, I found the jeans. I rescued her. I found mySELF.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XqrSYfkYGSE/WKOcsb6Lb1I/AAAAAAAABsY/gWDl5Q4gwE4FH2iapsRQTLCQxzFyNo6ZACLcB/s1600/butt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XqrSYfkYGSE/WKOcsb6Lb1I/AAAAAAAABsY/gWDl5Q4gwE4FH2iapsRQTLCQxzFyNo6ZACLcB/s320/butt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-34679816331613918392016-12-13T08:33:00.001-06:002016-12-13T08:33:22.740-06:00Emergency Landing
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<!--StartFragment-->
<div class="MsoNormal">
The baby is sick.
Your mom is dying. A child is in
the hospital. A relationship has failed. You did not get pregnant. You lost
your baby. Your adoption failed. You were abused. You were bullied. You don’t know your biological parents. You
watched someone take her last breath.
You survived a tornado or earthquake, but your home or friends did
not. You just found out you have cancer. You are changing jobs. Again. You are moving homes. Again. The plane is crashing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These are only a few examples of traumatic experiences. My father is a pilot, and he has told me
stories of landing a plane in an emergency – “If you feel, you die. You just have to stay calm and do the next
right thing.” As a therapist I talk a lot about identifying, honoring, and expressing
our feelings. I believe in this wholeheartedly. Yet in crisis, most of us are not stopping
and saying, “I feel scared right now.” We are stuffing that down so we can get
to the work of landing the plane. And this
has its critical place in our lives. We
have to land. If my father had let his
fear take over, he might have lost his ability to rationalize through getting
that 78K pound hunk of metal on the ground. But think about if we are in constant
crisis – landing the every day planes of our lives – but not ever turning to
someone and saying, “I’m scared. This is hard.
Can I tell you my story?” We lose connection – with others, our lives,
and most importantly ourselves. We go
numb from all the crises when there isn’t time to share the experience.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>AFTER WE LAND, WE MUST SHARE THE STORY.</b></i><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another woman has lost her baby and needs to feel your tears
with her. Another man has lost his wife
and needs to know you understand the loneliness too. Another family has experienced so much loss
and sickness and needs to feel like someone else gets it. Yes, they need your
casseroles and donations, but more importantly they need your eyes to look
right into theirs and let them know you feel their pain. Even if you don’t know what it’s like to go
through their exact situation, you know pain. You know need. You know what it’s like for your heart to be
ripping out. You know what it’s like to
feel so much shame you can’t face someone or ask for help. And if you don’t know these things, then look
deep inside your heart for all those stories you have stuffed down while
landing your plane. They are in there – gifts waiting for you to unwrap and
share with others. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter where we live or who we are, it is universal to
feel sadness, shame, guilt, fear, anger, hurt, loneliness, and gladness. We may not feel them for the same reasons, but
we feel them. And when we honor those
for ourselves or others, a beautiful connection happens. We connect to the
loving spirit inside of us and we connect to other people. My white American
woman heart actually looks the same as my brown Haitian boys’ hearts. When I tell them, “you guys, mom is sad
today, and I’m sorry I am not able to decorate for Christmas today like we
hoped,” I am met with love, kindness,
forgiveness, and a chance to connect deeper. If I had not told them that and hid my
sadness instead, it would have shown up as frustration that the decorations weren’t
“perfect” or the stockings were hanging crooked. We may have all got wound up in the freaking
lights yelling at each other. But
instead we all shared our grief, hugged, and actually got those decorations up
anyway.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I look at my nativity scene I’m reminded of Joseph and
Mary’s emergency landing in a little stable.
Hope began here. Hope for you and
me. Hope for the world. We are not without crisis or pain. But we can connect our hearts in it. We can show up like shepherds and wisemen to
bring gifts of love and healing. We
witness the story of the crisis and connect in the landing. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZTPYW0RYmCw/WFAFyKrBIvI/AAAAAAAABsA/kj3xLRbbAiY_KpegseroukJXS8igVtrMQCLcB/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZTPYW0RYmCw/WFAFyKrBIvI/AAAAAAAABsA/kj3xLRbbAiY_KpegseroukJXS8igVtrMQCLcB/s320/blog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~If you are in an
emergency landing, give yourself so much grace for your quick action and
courage. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Remind yourself it’s okay to be a little bit numb
emotionally in the beginning as you are searching for the answers and a safe place to land. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~After you’ve landed, share your story with yourself. Share
it with a safe loved one. Be honest
about how you feel and what you’ve experienced.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~You did a good job – the best you could do. Honor your feelings. Tell your story. Rest your weary souls. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-55274729006333646542016-11-12T16:19:00.000-06:002016-11-12T16:45:20.653-06:00Dead End<style>
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</style> I take the same route on my walk just about every day. I
know it’s the safer street with less traffic, it’s nice flat land, and I have
it timed out so I know exactly what gap in my day I can fit it in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is predictable. There is the same yippy
dog that screeches at me, the same neighbors in their yard, and the same
cul-de-sac I turn around in that tells me I’m halfway done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most days I feel proud of my little
controlled path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then one day I
realized I pass a DEAD END sign every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><br />
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<br /></div>
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This wasn’t just a real street sign to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a life sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every day I’m on a dead end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know exactly how it is going to go, because I do my best to keep it that way. But
then I have to turn around and go back, and my perfectly controlled "walk" doesn’t
lend itself to any surprise, mystery, or exploration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I am
making it a writing habit not to shame myself when I have these
discoveries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am using it for my good.
I am waking up and learning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this
precise trail has been my constant in the middle of chaotic schedules and
uncertain life stressors. So, I’m actually really proud of myself for finding a
rhythm that worked in the middle of disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And on this particular day, I wanted a new way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized there are things in my life at a
dead end, and if I want a new way, I have to face a new path. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I took off down a road in my neighborhood that everyone says
not to take because “so many cars speed and can’t see you.” That sounded scary
enough, so I was in. At first the hill I was climbing was brutal. I was already
hating this road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then I realized I
was on top of the hill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I made it, and
it wasn’t that hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I kept going
into the unknown. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I passed a yard with a dog who must have some kind of
anti-bark device on her. She barked at me, but it was just muffled. I felt sad
she had no voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure someone
didn’t like her bark, and maybe she scared people, but I found myself angry
that she had been silenced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I discovered
a little bit of myself in her, and I was thankful to have witnessed her
struggle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her I was sorry for her
loss and to keep on trying to speak anyway, and on I walked.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As I rounded the corner, there it was. A beautiful scene of
a quiet curvy road surrounded by the trees touched by Autumn and a bit of
sunshine poking through them. The light was there just for me – I’m sure of
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt the cool breeze on my face
and felt thankful that even on a scary new path there is light to guide me and
hope to lean into.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I made my way back, new neighborly faces nodded at me. I
saw a home under construction, and it felt like my heart. I identified with the
pain of my insides being exposed but the promise of new shelter and
warmth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could feel the hurt of the
brokenness and the hope for fresh joy all at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took a deep breath and found my way back
home. Even scary paths lead home.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I needed to try this new way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The dead end wasn’t life giving anymore. I’m sure I’ll take that dead
end road on days when I need certainty and a little flat land.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the beauty is that even on my new path I
know a few things to expect – discovery, pain, joy, hope, and the promise of
Light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What dead end road are you walking?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~How has it served you?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~How does it no longer serve you?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What keeps you from trying a new road?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~After you’ve tried a new road, what did you experience? What
gifts did it have?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u8gbsI6Vg7o/WCeZ70BoCuI/AAAAAAAABrs/-V6mG1duj8seRW4zzdpqr2pBIHWQRx_RQCLcB/s1600/blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-u8gbsI6Vg7o/WCeZ70BoCuI/AAAAAAAABrs/-V6mG1duj8seRW4zzdpqr2pBIHWQRx_RQCLcB/s320/blog.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-68351338314379592992016-10-15T13:19:00.002-05:002016-10-17T11:40:18.706-05:00Whale WatchingOn a recent trip to Maine, I went on a whale watch
tour. I jokingly, but with some honesty,
said to my husband, “If we don’t see any whales today I want my money
back.” Maybe 10 minutes later the marine
biologist came on the speaker to welcome us on our voyage and remarked, “Please
remember, we are going into the whale’s natural habitat. We may or may not encounter them. They are
not in a tank at Seaworld. This is
nature, and we can’t control it.”<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart both sank and lept for joy with those words – “This
is nature, and we can’t control it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
sinking is because I really want to control it. Don’t you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s so real.
And if I break down my need for “control,” what I really want is something I
can count on. I don't want the shock or surprise of pain and disappointment. So I work hard to maintain a needed outcome. I write a lot about my self observations with some sense of shame, and I really want to point out this time that I am human and offer grace to myself in this awareness of control. Of course I want to control things - my past story tells me that chaos is always coming, so I must do my best to avoid it. I must avoid the conflict and pain. If I do a, b and c, then I won't have to suffer the hurt or disappointment. I can give myself lots of compassion for feeling that way and also be aware I want another way. So when the biologist said those magic words, I felt released from the burden that “it’s all up to me.”
What freedom there was here on this sea knowing I didn’t have to say,
do, or fix anything to make whales appear.
I don’t have that power. I can just sit, watch, wait, hope. I could also trust I would be okay if they didn't appear. But you know what, they did show up. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thinking about this in all areas of my life – how hard I
work to fix, take care of, pursue, achieve, etc. to get a desired outcome and
to tackle issues that feel as big as whales because I believe it's all up to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if I pause? What if I wait in hopeful anticipation? What if I rest
while the “whales” are swimming through their own forces of nature?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I could trust that process? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We also learned that for every “blow” a whale gave and the number of times they surfaced, when they finally took their dive below, they would usually be
under water for about 1 minute per blow they took.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So 5 blows = about 5 minutes under water.
This is their breath – the needed oxygen they need to take the plunge and
search for food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They store it up as
resources to do their work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything
in nature knows breath is the key component for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We rest to work. We receive oxygen to use it. </span> I have been missing some breaths. I am taking
plunges without breathing first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ve been coming up gasping for air most days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Again, I have compassion for myself in this. I've taken on a lot as a new mom of 3 at once, and I just want to do everything well and keep everyone okay. It's normal to feel that way. And it's also exhausting.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am learning when I sit back and don’t try so hard, that’s
when I take a breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more breaths I
take, the longer I can function.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m aware of my need for control and short
temper with my kids when I haven’t gotten enough oxygen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body can’t draw on any reserves for compassion
and patience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s as if my demand for
order is really my body’s demand for rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I frustratingly ask my kids “Why do I have to tell you so many
times to ________,” I’m really asking, “When can I get some rest” or “When will
I get a break?” And here’s the thing – they can’t give that to me. I HAVE TO
BREATHE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HAVE TO REST.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s up to me – not them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I can’t keep expecting myself to take a
dive under water if I haven’t stored up oxygen. I’m just drowning.<o:p></o:p></div>
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On our way back to the pier that day, we encountered an
unexpected whale surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The biologist
excitedly shared how uncommon it was to see a whale in this part of the
sea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were all just enjoying our boat
ride back and were given nature's gift of one more sighting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much joy to experience after resting,
waiting, breathing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am keeping those whales
close to my heart to remind me of my own beauty – that with my breath I can truly see myself and others, and I have more to offer those I love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not powerful enough to pay money
or achieve all the tasks in the world to make a whale appear, keep life
predictable, or keep everyone I love free of pain and disappointment. Nature tells me I must breathe before diving, and that I must
trust the process of life. It’s not all up to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KiK57IfDoYI/WAJzF5CfHuI/AAAAAAAABrU/KmtkYB1sUs04SJ9fNFzu-DzHDJ1nj5PMgCLcB/s1600/me%2Bmaine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KiK57IfDoYI/WAJzF5CfHuI/AAAAAAAABrU/KmtkYB1sUs04SJ9fNFzu-DzHDJ1nj5PMgCLcB/s320/me%2Bmaine.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-58257587369253236442016-10-15T13:19:00.001-05:002016-10-15T13:29:41.724-05:00Whale WatchingOn a recent trip to Maine, I went on a whale watch
tour. I jokingly, but with some honesty,
said to my husband, “If we don’t see any whales today I want my money
back.” Maybe 10 minutes later the marine
biologist came on the speaker to welcome us on our voyage and remarked, “Please
remember, we are going into the whale’s natural habitat. We may or may not encounter them. They are
not in a tank at Seaworld. This is
nature, and we can’t control it.”<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My heart both sank and lept for joy with those words – “This
is nature, and we can’t control it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
sinking is because I really want to control it. Don’t you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s so real.
And if I break down my need for “control,” what I really want is something I
can count on. I don't want the shock or surprise of pain and disappointment. So I work hard to maintain a needed outcome. I write a lot about my self observations with some sense of shame, and I really want to point out this time is that I am human and offer grace to myself in this awareness of control. Of course I want to control things - my past story tells me that chaos is always coming, so I must do my best to avoid it. I must avoid the conflict and pain. If I do a, b and c, then I won't have to suffer the hurt or disappointment. I can give myself lots of compassion for feeling that way and also be aware I want another way. So when the biologist said those magic words, I felt released from the burden that “it’s all up to me.”
What freedom there was here on this sea knowing I didn’t have to say,
do, or fix anything to make whales appear.
I don’t have that power. I can just sit, watch, wait, hope. I could also trust I would be okay if they didn't appear. But you know what, they did show up. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m thinking about this in all areas of my life – how hard I
work to fix, take care of, pursue, achieve, etc. to get a desired outcome and
to tackle issues that feel as big as whales because I believe it's all up to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What if I pause? What if I wait in hopeful anticipation? What if I rest
while the “whales” are swimming through their own forces of nature?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I could trust that process? </div>
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<br /></div>
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We also learned that for every “blow” a whale gave and the number of times they surfaced, when they finally took their dive below, they would usually be
under water for about 1 minute per blow they took.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So 5 blows = about 5 minutes under water.
This is their breath – the needed oxygen they need to take the plunge and
search for food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They store it up as
resources to do their work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything
in nature knows breath is the key component for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We rest to work. We receive oxygen to use it. </span> I have been missing some breaths. I am taking
plunges without breathing first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ve been coming up gasping for air most days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Again, I have compassion for myself in this. I've taken on a lot as new mom of 3 at once, and I just want to do everything well and keep everyone okay. It's normal to feel that way. And it's also exhausting.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I am learning when I sit back and don’t try so hard, that’s
when I take a breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more breaths I
take, the longer I can function.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m aware of my need for control and short
temper with my kids when I haven’t gotten enough oxygen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My body can’t draw on any reserves for compassion
and patience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s as if my demand for
order is really my body’s demand for rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When I frustratingly ask my kids “Why do I have to tell you so many
times to ________,” I’m really asking, “When can I get some rest” or “When will
I get a break?” And here’s the thing – they can’t give that to me. I HAVE TO
BREATHE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HAVE TO REST.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s up to me – not them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I can’t keep expecting myself to take a
dive under water if I haven’t stored up oxygen. I’m just drowning.<o:p></o:p></div>
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On our way back to the pier that day, we encountered an
unexpected whale surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The biologist
excitedly shared how uncommon it was to see a whale in this part of the
sea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were all just enjoying our boat
ride back and were given nature's gift of one more sighting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is so much joy to experience after resting,
waiting, breathing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am keeping those whales
close to my heart to remind me of my own beauty – that with my breath I can see truly see myself and others, and I have more to offer those I love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not powerful enough to pay money
or achieve all the tasks in the world to make a whale appear, keep life
predictable, or keep everyone I love free of pain and disappointment. Nature tells me I must breathe before diving, and that I must
trust the process of life. It’s not all up to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KiK57IfDoYI/WAJzF5CfHuI/AAAAAAAABrU/KmtkYB1sUs04SJ9fNFzu-DzHDJ1nj5PMgCLcB/s1600/me%2Bmaine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KiK57IfDoYI/WAJzF5CfHuI/AAAAAAAABrU/KmtkYB1sUs04SJ9fNFzu-DzHDJ1nj5PMgCLcB/s320/me%2Bmaine.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-51627597577260360542016-08-20T12:25:00.000-05:002016-08-20T12:54:42.316-05:00Reality and Resilience<div class="MsoNormal">
Most days I wake up with my mind rolling through my schedule
like a news ticker at the bottom of my brain.
It’s always there – scrolling and drawing me back to it – like a
flashing “don’t forget!” I find it hard
to focus on what is plainly on the screen of my awareness. That damn ticker
just keeps scrolling and distracting.
It’s been this way since being baptized by the motherhood fire 2 years
ago. Many messages I heard before the
boys came home were:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You can’t do this – bring 3 kids home and work. It’s too
much.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“You’re bringing 3 children home at once? That’s a lot.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“How are you going to do that?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have always had an “I can do anything” attitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of my mantras was LL Cool J’s “Doin’ it
and doin’ it and doin’ it well.” So when people said these things to me, I was
like “I got this. Watch me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Holy sheet,
after 2 years of them home now it’s like, “I clearly don’t have this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t even look at me.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So the scrolling ticker in my brain is the last thread of
“nailing it” I have left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am thankful
because it keeps me going on most days and helps me meet the demands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have also learned how it distracts and
keeps me from being present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
constantly in schedule mode or “what is next.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That ticker helps me not be caught off guard or miss something in a
family of 5.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am thankful for that
part of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I have also missed out
on a lot of joy and just being alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
moved so quickly and fiercely into parenting that now 2 years later I’m looking
back and noticing where I missed some really important cues of just being right
here, right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some hard realities I have faced as a new mother:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1 1. </span></span>My hormones are jacked up just as if I birthed 3
babies. Post-partum depression is a very real possibility for any kind of new
mom.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2 2. </span></span>I cannot just go to work and plan my day as
usual. I have soccer practices and games, doctor and other appointments (x3),
etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are 3 little men in my care
to teach how to boil water, how to drive, and how to treat young women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No pressure.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3 3. </span></span>I have lost my identity somewhere along the way.
I miss the fun girl I used to be – who dropped plans last minute and went to
grab drinks with a friend or packed gear up for the weekend to camp with my
husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is still there, but she is
in a corner of my mind grieving her lost freedoms. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4 4. I</span></span> am lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My friends are also in this stage of life, so I can’t just call someone
up to go out on a whim. I contacted at least 10 friends last weekend to go see
“Bad Moms” with me – NO ONE could go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They were all out of town or busy being in this same stage of life we
are all trying to figure out. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5 5. </span></span>My marriage gets the shaft.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Conversations are about schedules, meal
plans, someone’s health needs, school meetings, homework, clothing needs for
growing boys, how to fit soccer club in the budget, and how to manage their
trauma and special needs. None of this is in the least bit sexy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We stare at each other not recognizing the
other person sometimes. We are exhausted and hungry for deeper connection.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6 6. </span></span>My needs don’t get prioritized. And when I do
prioritize them, I feel guilty about the cost or time spent. I “should have
spent that time or money some other way.”<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7 7. </span></span>Everything costs more, and I have a hard time
budgeting for the constant unknowns of raising 3 kids.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8 8. </span></span>There are more things I could add to this list,
but the ticker just distracted me to the other things I need to do today and
that I should probably wrap this up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not knocking motherhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am grateful for these boys. I am flooded
with joy and gratitude when I remember seeing their little bodies crowd into a
hot dirty room for “school” in an orphanage and now see them adorably run down
our driveway to catch the bus after having a solid meal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s those moments I let the ticker just roll,
and I turn my gaze and attention to the miracle of their being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am reminded of who they are and who they
are becoming. And I am part of their story. I am reminded of the first time I
held them, the time I came home and told Todd I had met our children, the time
we held each other and sobbed because we spent 2 blissful days with them before
having to board a plane and leave them behind in a different orphanage with new
faces, “new” soiled mattresses, and my old Bible with Psalm 139
bookmarked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am reminded of the beauty
of being pregnant in the wait and then laboring in delivery - even in
adoption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I am reminded what a toll
that takes on parents, on marriages, and on our bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am in awe of the resilience we can muster.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Today I woke up hopeful. I noticed the ticker scrolling. And
I also noticed it was Saturday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I slept
in a little longer. I asked my oldest son about the football game last night
and about his time with his girlfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I smelled the bacon Todd cooked for them. I poured my coffee and wrote
this blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am doing the best I can. And I've got more blog posts up my sleeve about how I am making it in the midst of items 1-8 above. <br />
<br />
I’ve got
this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go ahead and watch me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cr4F3W738ww/V7iXUggXAVI/AAAAAAAABrA/40gDVUBAwHYikNNNXSQF65fbXbCrDw13gCLcB/s1600/blog%2Bphoto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cr4F3W738ww/V7iXUggXAVI/AAAAAAAABrA/40gDVUBAwHYikNNNXSQF65fbXbCrDw13gCLcB/s320/blog%2Bphoto.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-41899360872535484512016-06-18T11:36:00.003-05:002016-06-18T11:36:30.525-05:00Getting Curious
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I could feel the fire deep in my chest after reading the many posts
after the Orlando shootings. I always get overwhelmed by conflicts of opinions,
finger pointing, scolding, shaming, and statements of “this could have been
avoided by…” It didn’t get avoided. It happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurts. People are grieving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And when something terrible has happened, of
course we all have parts of us that want to get to the root of where and how it
all went wrong and STOP the madness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
the madness rages on as we point fingers at each other and shame the other
“side” for their “choices, behaviors, etc.” What if we all got curious about
one another? What if we had compassion for another person’s story and became
intent on loving in spite of differences? </div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m not trying to bring back the WWJD bracelets, but Jesus
seems like a good example to me of loving well…of being curious about someone,
showing compassion, listening, and then offering solutions without shame and
judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He invited tax collecting Zacchaeus
down out of the tree and had dinner with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He saved the adulterous woman from being stoned and called out her
attackers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In every story I’ve ever read
of Jesus, He loved first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He got
curious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had compassion for even the
most “unlovable” people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter what side any of us are on, what if we got curious
about the other side? What if we get to know them and ask them questions about
their beliefs? What if we kept on loving them no matter their answers and how
different they are from ours? I had to take a step back after reading some
posts that I strongly disagreed with. I felt the rage. I reached out to my safe
people to say I was mad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could have
blasted them publicly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I knew it
wouldn’t help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hate upon hate, as far as
I can tell, has never solved the problem. But more love, again as far as I can
tell, goes a long way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I feel more
settled today being really curious about people who feel differently than I do.
I know it is always important to fight for what you believe in – because if you
are for gun control, then speak up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you are against abortion, then speak up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you love people, advocate for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If you are for something, say so. If you are against something, fight to
stop it. And then set your weapons down just for a second and look at the
solider on the other side of the lines and try your hardest to love them
anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love wins the battle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-upjbMX-E7p4/V2V3e0APItI/AAAAAAAABqw/QGOLlZgq4C8qtAn6yKZ1UdnhdnkZchdgQCLcB/s1600/ca74aba765bf26a0622b3e08c52efc60.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-upjbMX-E7p4/V2V3e0APItI/AAAAAAAABqw/QGOLlZgq4C8qtAn6yKZ1UdnhdnkZchdgQCLcB/s320/ca74aba765bf26a0622b3e08c52efc60.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-84098179709288670462016-04-19T14:33:00.000-05:002016-04-19T14:33:30.793-05:00Picture Perfect<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the common things I hear from clients, family, or
friends is that everyone feels "less than" when they look on Facebook or Instragram and see photos of other people who seem to have their lives
together. Or maybe we are only posting pictures of what we think makes us look
good? What is it we want to communicate to the rest of the world when we post
that selfie, flawless family montage, or our kid’s trophy pic? Are we asking
for attention, admiration, love, acceptance? If we are honest, of course most of us are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a society we have become lonely, not engaging in real-time, and we
draw from the “likes” of almost strangers online to get us through the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we post another picture, story, blog,
article to connect with someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Connecting with others is so good and healthy…until it isn’t a real
connection anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are we being honest
with our posts? Vulnerable? And should we really be that vulnerable with
EVERYONE?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is safe to share and what
isn’t?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And maybe we are completely
intending to be honest and vulnerable, but what the viewer perceives is not what we intended
to show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An example…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AjIlbI2w8Q4/VxaG9M9_V1I/AAAAAAAABqg/CsP3ucJN7rAq-ooAkmXqCsfPGtabAXv9wCLcB/s1600/IMG_4011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AjIlbI2w8Q4/VxaG9M9_V1I/AAAAAAAABqg/CsP3ucJN7rAq-ooAkmXqCsfPGtabAXv9wCLcB/s320/IMG_4011.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This photo is not the reflection of perfection, having it
all together, or marital bliss. Many comments we received on this photo were of
course kind and generous, but I laughed thinking, “They have no idea what was
going on in my mind when we took this photo!” If I could give the most accurate caption it would be:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is an image of a married couple who finally got out
together for a night out with other adults – to watch an adult concert, to
drink adult beverages, and have adult conversation. This is the picture of a couple
who fought tirelessly 4.5 years to bring their children home and fights now to
advocate for them and raise them in a culture that makes no sense to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are holding each other tight because we
know our relationship is the giant thread holding this family sweater
together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On any given day I’m near
unraveling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So is he.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when we draw close, we get stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our kids get stronger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We took a long weekend away recently to go to
counseling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, counseling. Not because
our marriage is in trouble, but because we don’t want it to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life is hard, and we have issues just like
any other couple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are smiling because
we know we are going to be okay in the midst of hard…and we are working our
butts off for that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So when you see our “Barbie and Ken” photo on Facebook or
Instagram, please don’t for one second believe our lives are easy and perfect.
When you see our kids’ photos playing soccer, or read my blogs, or see our
family snapshot, my intention each time is to connect with someone out there
who may be feeling like I am. And I’ve started trying to see other people’s
posts the same way – what if behind every “perfect photo” there’s a deeper
story, hurting person, a challenge that has been overcome? And what if we could
see that as the most beautiful part of the photo?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try on some new lenses as you scroll social media
today. <o:p></o:p></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-28369582758220886332016-03-13T19:37:00.000-05:002016-03-13T19:37:20.395-05:00JOY?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Aj0-jLCnIkA/VuYGE_WcHxI/AAAAAAAABqQ/Rr-PLsPOJ8I1X9DFLLgHx4IRXwgXoQvQA/s1600/joy%2Bmarquee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Aj0-jLCnIkA/VuYGE_WcHxI/AAAAAAAABqQ/Rr-PLsPOJ8I1X9DFLLgHx4IRXwgXoQvQA/s320/joy%2Bmarquee.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
I drive by this church's interesting quotes daily. Most of the time I don't notice. Today I noticed. And I got angry. I totally appreciate someone sharing
their thoughts. It is not my intent to
shame another for their opinion and insights. Freedom of speech, right? And still something inside me just boiled. I have done lots of "putting myself last" lately, and I haven't felt joy.<br />
<br />
I know Matthew
22:37-39 - the verse about loving God with all your heart and soul. And
then it goes on to talk about loving your neighbor as yourself. It does not say
"more than yourself" or "before yourself." It saddens me to think that drivers-by are being told that to have joy there must be an order to things and
that you put yourself last. I'd like to share personally what happens
when you put yourself last.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
You know the announcement
on the airplane when you get in, get cozy, and buckle your seatbelt? They
tell you, "If we should lose cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will fall, and <i><b>you need to secure your mask first</b></i> before helping someone else with
theirs." I've referenced this many times in blogs and with my clients in
session. The point is that you cannot help someone else if you can't
breathe. Love your neighbor <i>as</i> yourself. Help your neighbor <i>as</i> yourself. All of us have equal rights to air.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Most
people reading this know me and my story, but just in case you don't, I
am a mother of 3 recently adopted adolescent children. I also run my own
private counseling practice. A lot of my time is spent taking care of
other people and tending to their needs and pain - helping them with their oxygen masks. I'm not complaining about this. I
love my kids, and I love my job. And I am exhausted. I usually do the
order of things in the church sign, sadly probably even neglecting my relationship
with God to put other people first. And there is nothing about
this that has brought me joy. Do I find joy in my children? Yes. Do I
find joy in helping my clients? Yes. But I would not define ultimate
Joy as putting myself last. I have just secured everyone else's oxygen
masks and then started gasping for air. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I
realized this to be true recently whenever I was losing patience with my
children, feeling burned out at work, and was getting angry about everything - like one dirty dish not being done. Turning up the volume on Radiohead was not for enjoyment but for sanity. So this weekend Todd took the kids away on a trip. I was supposed to go
with them for a soccer tournament. I wrestled with the
guilt – what kind of mom am I if I don't go on this trip with my family
and watch my kid play soccer? I'll tell you what kind of mom I am – one
that's about to be passed out with her oxygen mask still dangling above
her head. So at dinner on Thursday night I broke it to the boys that I
would not be going with them this weekend. I explained that mom needed a
little break to take care of herself. Surprisingly this was embraced well by all of them. Woody even said, "Mom you should take a spa day. Just take your mind off everything. I saw
that on TV."</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I cannot even begin to explain to
you what this weekend has been like for me. I have rediscovered things
about myself. I subscribed to Apple Music and streamed tons of new tunes I
love. I danced to it in my kitchen while I made my favorite gluten-free cookies. And I
listened to the explicit versions, because my kids weren't home, and sometimes the bleeped out versions just aren't enough for how I
need to express myself. I signed up for Stitch Fix – a personal online
stylist who will send me a shipment of clothes based on my style and
personality profile. This meant I had to really think about my style and
personality. I haven't done that in forever. And what I found out about
myself I actually really liked. I colored. I cried. I found a new wine I
liked. I did take that spa day Woody told me to take. I had tea with a friend and heard
myself say things out loud that needed to be heard and witnessed. I
realized that almost everything I wanted to get done this weekend still
got done when I tended to them as I was pulled toward them rather than
how I placed them with urgency on a Post-it note. I sat outside and
watched the deer play in my backyard while I talked to Jesus and let him
love me just as I was – still in my pajamas and not getting ready for
church. I was already there. I wrote this blog. I love writing, and I remembered how it felt to be creative and share my heart. And I found so much grace for whoever put their creative acrostic on that church marquee. I just respectfully disagree. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This weekend I felt joy. And I
was not putting myself last. For the first time in a long time I
prioritized myself. I secured my oxygen mask. And I also can't wait
to see my husband and kids tonight. By connecting with myself, I also connect (and deeper) with Jesus and others. I think of Joy as Jesus, Others, and Yourself - in no particular order, but in a beautifully interwoven relationship where all are necessary with every breath.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-16811591693112924122015-12-06T11:55:00.000-06:002015-12-06T11:55:16.220-06:00No Room in the InnThe season of advent is always so enlightening to me. Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of
Jesus, but there are these weeks before that are dark and riddled with pain and
inconveniences. Mary traveled many miles
on a donkey only to be told there was no room in the inn. Can you imagine settling in for the night on
your pillow of hay to give birth to a KING?
I’ve not been through child birth, but I know this had to suck. No drugs, no cozy bed, no nurses. How frightened she and Joseph must have
been - to feel so alone and helpless
with this great responsibility of bringing a child in to the world and now
raising whom they’ve been told will be the world’s Savior. No pressure, guys. Eventually some shepherds and wisemen came
along bearing comfort and gifts. This is
the part most of us want and choose to think about – who wants to think about
all that darkness?<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A dark room is still used for most photo development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The real picture, color, and story really
comes through after an appropriate season of darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not meant for harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is for development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Advent is like the period of darkness where
we watch and wait for the full beautiful picture to unfold. And waiting in the
dark is brutal for most of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s
our story. Go ahead and grab your coffee or Moscow mule and settle in…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cpZup3s9q1w/VmR2S85m9XI/AAAAAAAABqA/I18GREhvXxo/s1600/IMG_3686.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cpZup3s9q1w/VmR2S85m9XI/AAAAAAAABqA/I18GREhvXxo/s320/IMG_3686.jpg" width="240" /></a>We sold our house and had to be out on 11/23. We closed on
our new house on 12/4, however, because of some repairs and painting, we will
not move in until Wed 12/9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we will
have been “homeless” just over 2 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And even though there was vacancy, it feels like there is no room in the
Brentwood Residence Inn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are crammed
in here with each other’s dysfunction just pouring out on each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We spent the first week visiting family out of
town, so we checked in here already with some traveling scars – you know – the
residual of those uncomfortable family interactions and avoidance, 11 + hours
in a car each way, a barfing kid in the car after being in one spot in traffic
for over an hour, almost hitting a 12 point buck just a few miles from home,
and then wearing my husband’s underwear the next day because all my clothes got
wet from the supposed waterproof luggage rack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, we didn’t ride a donkey here, and we’re not sleeping on hay, but I
kind of get it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been dark and
uncomfortable – not what we planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
if feels like there is no room in this inn for hope, comfort, and joy of the
season. I’m driving by houses with lights and Christmas trees and feeling a little
displaced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still in the dark –
waiting for the lights. So I bought this tiny poinsettia for our room. I’m
bringing some Christmas joy up in here, dang it!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my intent is not to complain. We just bought a cute and cozy home in
Williamson County, a beloved area and school district in our state. So, “oh woe is me – I have to wait for
painters to finish my happy home in cushy Franklin.” Right? I absolutely cringe
when I think of people living on streets, hospitals, and orphanages. So then I think “stop complaining, suck it
up, you’re fine.” And this also gets me
in trouble. This isn’t about a
comparison. I can have compassion for them AND me. Our dark is obviously different. And I can still honor the darkness we each go
through. We are all in need of the Light. I can only hold and know my own darkness and
tell its story. And it’s not about “I
can’t get in my new house yet.” It is
the pain of transition. It is the
discomfort of waiting. It is feeling
displaced and alone. It is my season of
advent. But then someone will text and say, “hey I’m bringing your family some
papa murphy’s pizza at the hotel.” Or a teacher from the boys’ school emails to
say, “bring your boys over to play – we’ve been in your situation before and
know you need space.” It’s another family taking our children in for a night so
we can go on a long overdue date. The
shepherds and wisemen show up with comfort and gifts. I take a lot of deep breaths to remind myself
we won’t be in transition forever. This
is just a season. I am thankful for a Savior who came to this world as a human,
fully feeling and experiencing life like the rest of us. His birth teaches me
that all hope and growth starts in the dark.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">THERE IS ALWAYS<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HOPE. LIGHT COMES EVENTUALLY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WAIT EXPECTANTLY,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DEAR FRIENDS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-37377767351278895062015-11-24T16:54:00.001-06:002015-11-24T16:54:44.993-06:00Essentials<div class="MsoNormal">
Pack only what is essential. These were the instructions I
gave my kids last week as we packed up our home and filled our suitcases. We
sold our house and had to be out on 11/23/15.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We close on our new house on 12/4/15.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So we have about two weeks between where we are wandering – living out
of our suitcases, visiting family for Thanksgiving in Missouri and Oklahoma,
and eating free hot breakfasts at the Brentwood Residence Inn. We are on Day 1
of this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure I’ll have lots
to report. But here’s what I’m really noticing so far – pack only what is
essential.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had to pack in our luggage
what we needed for those two weeks, and it really made me so aware of what we
really cannot live without. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We filled bags full of clothes, toys, and other things to
take to goodwill. We sold furniture and home goods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We recycled and threw things away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then what we wanted but was not essential right
now went into storage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was
essential stayed with us for these 2 weeks. And our essentials might sound
strange to you, but yours<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>might sound
strange to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is all okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re not supposed to be the same. I have a
favorite blanket that had to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carl
cannot live without the random music playlists he dances to on his iPad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Woody packed a soccer ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wilnes had a drawer full of items that he
wasn’t sure he would need these 2 weeks but said “but what if I do need them?”
Which told me it was essential to him to feel like he could access his
comforts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Todd packed his work backpack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I packed other things like sea salt,
essential oils, and a heating pad. And these are just a few of our essentials,
but they represent our personalities and lives so plainly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I drove up to the storage unit to drop some things off and
saw all 3 of my boys kicking a soccer ball around outside the rows of storage
units. They were laughing and having so much fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There they were in the middle of all these
rows of people’s “stuff,” and I couldn’t help but cry with happiness and peace.
It was such a reminder to me to notice the beauty of simplicity and
relationship in the midst of the chaos of moving and storing. Everything that
was essential was playing right in front of me or packed up in the jeep to go
with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And of course I would be so sad to lose my favorite chair in
storage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not trying to be all “hey,
just go sell all your stuff and live off the love of your family.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am looking forward to our new house and
getting all my items back out to make “home.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But on this leg of the journey, I continue to notice and be really
thankful for the essentials I am carrying with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I enter this holiday season being so
mindful that the random toy on the Target shelf would just go to goodwill or
storage eventually.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to focus on
what is essential as I think about myself and loved ones during this time of
gratitude and gift-giving…what will enrich our lives, personalities, and truest
selves? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you had to pack up most of your belongings and keep just
a few things with you…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What would you sell
or give away? Why? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What would you throw away? Why?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What would you put in storage for later? Why?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What is essential to you that you need to keep with you?
Why?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What do you notice being most thankful for?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~How does thinking about these questions impact your view of
the holidays and gift-giving?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-64974613995312046202015-10-07T11:42:00.005-05:002015-10-08T08:34:28.586-05:00I See YouToday I have been married to Todd for nine years. I would sit here and write a bunch of really beautiful mushy things about this, but what I really need to tell you is how hard marriage is and why every day it is still worth it.<br />
<br />
Not every day feels like "I do." If you are married, then you probably know this. I remember being such a princess-like 26 yr old in my gorgeous wedding gown, perfectly manicured fingers and toes, and long extensions in my hair thinking, "Oh man, this is it, I'm going to be a wife. Happily ever after!" Then fast forward to a few months later throwing pizza at each other late one night in the kitchen because we were probably having "that same fight" we always have. Not every day felt magical. And guess what, it's not supposed to. And how often does anyone tell you that? Marriage isn't about magical love and feeling blissful and happy all the time. And it's certainly not about agreeing with each other all the time. But when you aren't blissful or in agreement, you still know someone has your back. Someone gets you. Someone is willing to come back around after that pizza slice has been thrown and say, "Whoops, here's what I really meant to say or do." We are all just humans, so we're going to mess up in relationships and say or do about a million things we wish we hadn't. It's about the repair. It's about being willing to think about what you really feel underneath it all and say it out loud to the other person. Maybe instead of throwing pizza, I wanted to say, "I'm so hurt and embarrassed." But because my pride wouldn't let me be vulnerable, my anger felt stronger and more empowering. So I took that route. And I've learned it doesn't work. Here's what we are learning works:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BUf1NiQFzJg/VhVJ96NnafI/AAAAAAAABpg/5n47H4dThXQ/s1600/mail.google.com.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BUf1NiQFzJg/VhVJ96NnafI/AAAAAAAABpg/5n47H4dThXQ/s320/mail.google.com.jpg" width="320" /></a><i><b>"I see you."</b></i> This applies to myself and my husband. When I'm overcome with emotion, I stop and say to myself, "OK, I see you, Laura - what's going on?" And I am practicing every day just seeing Todd too. What's really behind his tone or under his words? Is this really about me or a bad day he's having? I ask questions. I get curious. This all helps me so much more than falling into my shame spiral when I assume something he is saying or doing is about something I've done wrong. I get to know HIM by what he's saying about HIS OWN experience. And I can trust if there's something he needs to tell me about me or something I've done to hurt or upset him, then he'll say so. I love this excerpt from <i>Rising Strong </i>by Brene Brown that explains more about this so beautifully - click <a href="http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Brene-Brown-Rising-Strong-Excerpt" target="_blank">here</a>. <br />
<br />
I heard a wonderful quote, and I wish I could tell you exactly who said it, but I heard it at a recent therapist training in Internal Famliy Systems - <b><i>"Listening does not mean agreeing."</i></b> Yes! This phrase has set me free in so many ways. I listen to get to know someone - to understand them more fully. I don't have to become them or join with their rationale in order to be in relationship with them. I just have to listen with curiosity and compassion. And I still get to be me with my own thoughts and feelings. <br />
<br />
I am not the same girl Todd married. We have had that discussion many times too. On October 7, 2006, I was a devout Baptist, ate lots of gluten, didn't recycle a thing, was a chronic people pleaser, and was pretty sure people got married because they were supposed to - and then make babies. Nine years later we'll just say this has all changed. And that's the other thing I wish someone would have told me - that it's okay to change. That it's okay to really seek out yourself - what you like, believe, wish, love, dream of, hope for. And that what you may find on your self-expedition might be different than what it was in your twenties. And that doesn't mean my marriage is over because "I'm not the same girl anymore." It means Todd is married to a grown ass woman who knows herself now. And I see how he's changed too. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but it grows and matures us. Every day we lean into the beauty of our individuality and how no matter what changes in us as people, we are choosing to keep seeing each other and reaching for connection. We aren't getting this perfect, and we're not supposed to. Neither are you. We can all just be willing. That goes a long way in love.<br />
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<br />Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-68631081797217016232015-09-14T21:45:00.001-05:002015-09-14T21:48:34.265-05:00The Fall <div class="MsoNormal">
As much as I love the Fall, this blog is not about my favorite season. I started today with a lot of decisions to make –confusing
and hard decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> So I took a walk. </span>I needed to clear my
head, talk to Jesus, spend some time with myself – like really hear myself and
all the different “parts” of me that needed attention. My clients and colleagues
who know about <a href="http://selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html" target="_blank">IFS</a> know all about the “parts” language, and my story will hopefully help you come to notice a bit
of your own “parts in charge” that keep you stuck.<o:p></o:p></div>
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My achiever part was really the one in charge on that
walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She wouldn’t let me leave the
house without my phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her voice goes
like this, “Listen, I know you want to just walk, clear your head, and all that
other stuff that sounds like it could be good for you, but we’ve really got a
lot of stuff to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just take your phone
with you so you can make a few calls and send a few texts while you’re taking
in all that fresh air and sunshine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
won’t hurt – just multitask!” I listened to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I listen to her a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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About 10 steps out of my driveway, I whipped my phone out to
start checking off that list of calls and texts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ah, here we go – sunshine AND
productivity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But with my eyes on my
phone, I didn’t see a pothole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my
foot found it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It rolled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My right knee took a good hit, and my phone
went flying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you do after
something like this happens?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I
looked around to see who had seen me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Surely someone is looking out their kitchen window at me getting such
entertainment by my ridiculousness. My pride was throbbing and burning more
than my foot or knee. I sat there in my shame for about 10 minutes, and then
realized I was bleeding and possibly may not be able to walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my achiever part said, “come on, girl,
just shake it off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re not hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bet you can still take this walk.” I
listened to her again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I hobbled
around for most of the rest of the day – pretty sure it was just sore or
bruised or whatever.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And now I’m sitting here elevated with ice and can’t
walk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After carrying me to the kitchen
to eat dinner, Todd said, “honey, your walks are for YOU.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m so ashamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew
better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Enter my “critic part” who
likes to beat me up for all my bad decisions and yell at my achiever for trying
to do too much).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just cried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But my achiever part doesn’t know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is what she believes…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I achieve, people will notice. They will appreciate
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will find me worthy – a worthy
wife, parent, friend, person, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I
get things done I am proving how strong I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I push through the pain and exhaustion, then I am a badass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if I’m worthy, I will be loved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She learned today that potholes don’t care
about that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They aren’t bias to who
steps in them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And actually the badasses
rocking tasks on their phones are definitely more prone to their
entrapment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was so caught up in
getting things done, she was not present – literally couldn’t see in front of
her. And when things get so cloudy like that, something has to stop her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It literally means stopping her in her
tracks.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, here’s what I want my achiever part (and all your
achiever parts to know)…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you, my hard
working achiever part, for all you are trying to do for me. You really do a
great job! I’m so thankful for you. Do you know how lovely you are even when
you take a break? Do you know I might actually get more done if I pause, rest,
take a time out from the rest of the busy world to take care of myself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know you are still loved if you mess
up? You are still loved if you rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
are still loved if you focus on one task at a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are still loved if you miss a meeting or
a chore or a deadline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are still
worthy. You are still enough. So just breathe, Miss Achiever. Sit here with
your elevated ankle on ice and just breathe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And pick up that new Brene Brown “Rising Strong” book and get some
encouragement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cry a little. Text your
girlfriends and be vulnerable. Write this blog and admit you quite literally
fell down on your job today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tomorrow is
a new day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can stop fighting so hard
to be better. You are loved right here and now in your absolute mess. You are loved even after you fall. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DON20NDdsYc/VfeGQT0M1_I/AAAAAAAABpI/t9rdYBG_7o8/s1600/foot%2Bcopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DON20NDdsYc/VfeGQT0M1_I/AAAAAAAABpI/t9rdYBG_7o8/s320/foot%2Bcopy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-46640200810626580362015-08-14T22:45:00.000-05:002015-08-14T22:45:33.561-05:00Real Mom<div class="MsoNormal">
I sat down to write and really just didn’t know where to
start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I began just by taking a
breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A big long deep breath. And I
reminded myself where I am now and what I had just been through – where WE are
and what we have been through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a
miracle really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This time last year we
were driving our boys to their first days of American school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was way more scared than they were (I
think).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After one year, I’m pretty sure
I still don’t know what I’m doing and more scared than they are, but I find comfort
in hearing almost every other parent say that back to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Ihmnt8gtvY/Vc6zi0jhFqI/AAAAAAAABoc/imhdtbRuAR8/s1600/IMG_3467.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Ihmnt8gtvY/Vc6zi0jhFqI/AAAAAAAABoc/imhdtbRuAR8/s320/IMG_3467.JPG" width="320" /></a>Recently I posted this picture of our boys after taking them to
the Parthenon replica here in Nashville and said “…we took an unexpected exit
to see the Parthenon and get snow cones. And that’s exactly what this journey
feels like – surprise turns and treats.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Most days this is really hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every day it’s really worth it.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And their heartbreaking questions and comments are beginning…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Mom, did you and Dad buy us?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Mom, tell me the story about when my mom Haitian said you
could have me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Their curious hearts and minds can’t wrap around this, and I
get it. Their stories rest so heavy on my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not know what their little diaper
bottoms looked like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not know their
first word spoken.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not have a baby
book with recorded memories for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
grieve those moments I did not share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And what I now understand is that those were not mine to share. These
moments – days at the Parthenon eating snow cones – are mine to share. And I grieve
in a whole other way that their Haitian mamas don’t have those.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A lot of adopted parents get pretty defensive about the
“real mom and dad” language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
example, if someone asks who is the “real” mom and dad, it’s hurtful. But I
don’t want to shame or judge anyone about that – most people mean no harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I do want to acknowledge and honor is
that my boys have 2 moms and 2 dads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Real ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all play a really
important part of their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I
answered my boy's second question above, I said, “your mom Haitian told me she
wanted you to have an opportunity to grow and learn. She loved you so much that
she and I became a mom team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gave
you life, and I help you grow and live your life. She is always in your heart
loving and believing in you, and so am I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will never take her place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
is special in her way, and I am special in mine.” And then we hung their Haitian mothers’ pictures in our kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
then I went to my bedroom and cried for hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I wonder if their Haitian mamas would be proud of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is so freaking hard. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I found two crumbled packets of crackers in our pantry a few
days ago and just wept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is what the
twins’ Haitian mom gave them on the day they last saw her. She said she wanted
to make sure they had a snack for the plane to America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would not eat them. They wanted to save
them. Can you imagine what that must have been like for her to offer what she
could give them one last time – and for them to save it so sweetly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have them tucked away in a special place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all just carrying the grief and
tucking it away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also realize that some people don’t feel like they can
relate to our story or don’t understand adoption and why we chose this path.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m a big believer we can all connect in
our stories – no matter how different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For example, a new family moved in our neighborhood - two women and
their daughters - and one of the little girls excitedly told me “Guess what? I
have TWO mommies!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said, “I think
that’s really special. My boys have 2 mommies too!” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so thankful for all real mamas and daddies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are in this together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-43954766934244812652015-06-24T16:51:00.003-05:002015-06-24T21:26:41.285-05:00Simplify<div class="MsoNormal">
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Summer is kicking my butt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am not complaining, because poolside umbrella drinks and fireflies on
my courtyard patio are pretty fantastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But for some reason I am not basking in rays of sunshine and frolicking in parks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s why – there is no
structure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I need a little structure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us do if we are honest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I definitely need some days with no plans or
agendas. It keeps me flexible and real. But mostly I need a cadence, a rhythm I
can dance to that feels comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
my dance right now feels like EDM on crack. (Ask a teenager what EDM is if you
don’t know).<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So on my list of things to do (yes, structure), I’ve made a
top priority to simplify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of not
having any structure usually means I’ve got too many other things in the
way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's like pulling weeds, cleaning
out the closet, organizing the pantry, or any other metaphor I can think of
that represents “making space” or “letting go of what is no longer needed or useful.”
This is hard, because I sometimes can’t see what might be in the way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things that seem completely harmless might
actually be taking up space in my heart, mind, and life that something else I
need more could fill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So….(big deep
breath)…I’m taking social media off my phone for awhile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find myself checking between errands,
clients, in the grocery line, at red lights, every mother lovin’ minute I
can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not necessary all the
time. I love good articles, seeing people’s photos, and the connection with
others. It helps me not feel alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
mean, don’t we all post and comment so we can feel connected, heard, seen? But
I’m realizing I want deeper connection - with myself and others. And I don’t necessarily want all of
facebook and instagramland to have all the precious and delicate moments of my family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What if I used more of my “social media
checker time” actually engaging the present moment I’m in – dip my toe in the
river by my house, watch the bird in my courtyard, or talk to the son sitting
right next to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure I’ll be back
to social world, because it truly does have its perks. But right now, I’m
simplifying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not necessary for
this season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After creating space, I do things that put me back in touch
with myself. That’s SUPER hard for me to do, because that never feels
productive in the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can check
off with confidence that I’ve gotten groceries, but it’s pretty subjective
whether or not I’ve tended to my heart. And it’s not something I can check off,
because it has to happen every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
put it on my list and groan – oh, there’s that self-care thing again – how do I
check that off? What do I even need? But what I’ve learned over and over again
is this care for myself – my oxygen mask – actually makes me more productive in
the long run. So just do it, my list-checking friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your family and everyone around you actually
need you to care for yourself too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not sure yet what my simplifying season holds or what it will look like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I just know it is necessary. </span>This is most likely part 1 of a 2 part
blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I’ll check back after I’ve
learned more about it and myself in it<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">.
</span>In the meantime…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DLCzvvegbXU/VYsmJlAfQAI/AAAAAAAABoI/_AZEAI7bzGg/s1600/IMG_3383.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DLCzvvegbXU/VYsmJlAfQAI/AAAAAAAABoI/_AZEAI7bzGg/s320/IMG_3383.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
~What does simplifying your life look like?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Do you need
structure? Why or why not?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What do you need to “let go of” in order to create more
space in your life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep in mind,
depending what it is, it might just be for <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">this</i>
season or it might be forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~How do you tend to your heart, care for yourself, rest?</div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2932838722080849687.post-78772981560253346782015-03-25T18:04:00.000-05:002015-03-25T18:04:09.461-05:00It's Like Riding a Bike<div class="MsoNormal">
I cringe when I hear people say, "It's easy - just like riding a bike." I am 36 years old, and I just learned to ride a bike. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could not admit this to anyone before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A handful of special people in my life knew the truth, but the few times I let it slip in a
not-so-safe group of people, the confused looks and laughter made me want to
run, hide, and vomit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could spend this post focusing on all the sad and painful
reasons I never learned before now. I’ve actually spent time in therapy talking about
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One thing I know
for sure is I never really was any good at “playing.” Riding a bike didn’t seem
like a good use of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How productive
could that be really? I remember playing with my friends and cousins as a kid sometimes, but I
honestly can’t remember what I did for fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I remember recess at school being traumatic – like what the hell am I
supposed to do with that slide and monkey bars?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My spring breaks in high school and college were spent working – I always had a job
to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But now I have kids, and they want to play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Insert explicative here, because I promised
myself I would limit myself to one cuss word in this post, and I already used
it).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HOW DO I PLAY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they want to ride bikes!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I admitted my shameful secret to them – “Guys, I don’t
know how to ride a bike, and I am really bad at playing. Can you teach me?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because our boys are still learning English, their
communication and words are very precise and full of as much meaning as they
can get in one sentence. It is short, yet deep – constant one liners that make
my heart jump. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So when Woody said, “Mom,
only move the handles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep your body
straight when you feel scared,” it made all kinds of sense to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had been spending my life moving my body
around in defensive response to the fear of losing control – the feeling of being
overwhelmed and unbalanced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The flailing
and fighting only left me tired and more unbalanced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> W</span>hat if I could let my body rest and guide myself through the fear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(This is way more than about bike riding).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then Wilnes said, “You have to fall down a lot to learn. I have many
scars on my knees.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soak that in. I’m not even going to say much
more about that, because my boys said enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I rode a bike. I am slow at it. I am still learning to navigate as the
curves and hills come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that’s
okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is exactly how life feels
right now as a new mom of 3 older adopted children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m falling down a lot. I’m scared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It feels out of control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am
holding my body and heart in balance with gentleness and compassion while I get
used to these new wheels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Are you learning something new in your life? New wife, mom, job, etc?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~What is scary about this?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Remind yourself it’s okay to fall – it’s part of the learning. What did that scar show you?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
~Ask your body what it might need to help you feel more balanced while you are learning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uFvHEAO4kQw/VRM9-sttxtI/AAAAAAAABnw/N-G10j3SIpM/s1600/bike%2Bblog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uFvHEAO4kQw/VRM9-sttxtI/AAAAAAAABnw/N-G10j3SIpM/s1600/bike%2Bblog.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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Laura Rameyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08535965158988376419noreply@blogger.com0