Breaking out of the Cage

When I started my practice over 4 years ago, I wanted some kind of tangible reminder in my office of what counseling was about for me. I decided on a birdcage.  One of my favorite songs by the Avett Brothers has a line that says, “There was a dream, and one day I could see it.  Like a bird in cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it.”  The whole song is therapeutic in itself (go here for a download and see end of post for song credit*), but something about that line has always spoken to me about this work of counseling.  Sometimes my clients come in with no hope, strength, courage, or any fight left – trapped in a cage.   I open that cage with them and help them start the journey of getting out.  How/when did they get in the cage?  Who put them there?  What keeps them stuck in there?  What are the ongoing thoughts, feelings, and actions in that cage (or the “song” their bird sings)?  As more of this awareness comes to light, it is a gift for me to watch them grow and empower themselves to get out of their cage, fly free, and start singing a new song, which is why I named my practice New Song Counseling.    

A 7-year-old client who had suffered trauma and numerous critical messages asked me, “Ms. Laura, why do you have that birdcage in your office, but no bird in it?”  I said, “Because she is free to fly now, and so are you.” 

If you feel stuck and would like to know more about how counseling could help, please visit my website for more information or email me at laurarameylmft@gmail.com.  

*"Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise" written by Scott Avett and Seth Avett

Detoxification

Detoxification (noun) – the process of removing toxic substances or qualities. 

On the phone with a friend today we were talking about how hard it is to do the healthy thing in relationships.  As we change and grow and have our boundaries, it doesn't feel good.  It’s painful.  It is not what we have always done, nor what the other person(s) expects of us.  I said, “It’s almost like a detox.”  We laughed and agreed.  I kept thinking about this.   

It is a new year – a time for resolutions and a fresh start.  So many people are doing detox diets, juice cleanses, goal lists, etc.  It is easy to think about what we want to change and set all these beautiful and lofty goals for ourselves.  They sound so great and pretty at the time.  But the “getting there” – ugh. Many New Year resolutions do not stick because the pain of getting to what we want sometimes thwarts the process. We are a “right now” society.  I want my weight loss now. I want my dream job now.  I want my relationships happy now.  All these things and a slew of others require a little pain first – a little detoxification.  If you have ever done any kind of detoxification process, then you know it sucks. Often you feel worse before you feel better. So we either forget to include a detoxification process in our goals, or we just refuse to do it. Yet this process plays an integral part in the healing journey.  What if you started this year asking yourself what you need to release or remove before moving forward?

I love the definition above because it acknowledges the removal of toxic qualities. Are you in a toxic relationship or environment?  Do you have toxic messages that play throughout your mind daily? Whether you are detoxifying toxic substances from your body or toxic qualities from your life, it is going to hurt. It is going to take some time.  We can certainly choose to keep things the way they are and avoid the pain.  That works for a little while until it doesn’t anymore – until our bodies or relationships fail.   I know this pain personally. I spent much of 2013 in an emotional and physical detoxification process.  To avoid the grief of missing my children, I found more things to “do” and “focus on” to keep my mind off the pain.  The more I could achieve or do, the better I felt. But the pain, the toxicity, was still there underneath.  And then I crashed.  My body gave up and got very sick. The detox was painful.  My heart hurt.  My relationships hurt.  But this healing process, the sloughing off of what is no longer needed, offers a space to be whole again – a clean start.  A space to be ME  - the me who does not hide in toxic beliefs or messages. And some days it still hurts.  My detox journey is still going, because I continue to face the pain of my unknown “due date.”  But I know going back to my usual way of coping with this would hurt more.  Just like our bodies can only handle so many toxic substances, our souls can only handle so many toxic messages and behaviors.

~What do you need to detox from your body or life?

~Are you ready to face this challenge? (Because CAUTION: it will be painful)

~Do you have someone you can ask to support you in this process? (Because CAUTION:  it is hard as hell and shouldn’t be done alone)

~Can you lean into the hope of how it will feel at the end of your detoxification? What will be different about you or your relationships?