The Fear of Connection

On Valentine’s Day we got word that we have adoption certificates.  We were so excited to have a step completed that we didn’t even really know what it meant!  We have since learned it means our boys now officially have our last name – They are Rameys.  They have always been ours in our hearts, but now a piece of paper says they belong to us. 

It reminded me of our wedding day.  There is excitement in sharing a name, but it comes with a lot of responsibility and confusion.  I felt connected to Todd, but now a piece of paper would say I was – so much connected to him that I would take his name.  What would that mean?  Am I different?  Do I have to be?  Who am I if I’m not a Melrose anymore? Todd shared with me that he sat outside our first little condo and cried on our wedding day because he felt the gravity of the responsibility to love and care for another person. I could have taken that personally, but I admitted I too was shaky all day because of this name-changing conundrum. I know our boys will share that same confusion – who am I? What does it mean to be a Ramey? What does it mean to be in this family?  Will I fit in?

What we have learned and struggled with in our relationship is the beautiful and painful responsibility of connection. We have a responsibility to one another (not for one another – thank you, Cloud and Townsend, for your Boundaries book).  But we are often confused about what those responsibilities actually are.  Todd admits it is scary to have people in his care.  He feels as the provider of the family, the one from whom we all got our name, he needs to do the best he can to protect and “keep us okay.” There is fear in letting us down.  I admit that in taking his name I felt fear in being someone else’s “possession.”  Would I always just be “Todd’s wife” or would I still get to be ME? And what if I let him down? What if he is embarrassed that I’m a Ramey?  I feel a responsibility to uphold that name.  I gotta keep him happy!

Here’s the beauty about feelings – they don’t have to go away or be fixed to offer a space for deeper connection.  We are both afraid.  Neither of us wants to let the other one down. We both just want to do the best we can to care and love the other and somehow maintain a sense of self.  We both want to do things well.  We both want to be a good spouse and parent.  But the most helpful awareness for us – we realized we were both trying so hard to keep the other one okay (happy, free from pain, etc) instead of allowing each other space for feelings and consequences. And we have since realized, and still learning, that is NOT our job or a fair responsibility in relationship.  We will let each other down, not intentionally of course, and the connection happens when we talk about that instead of trying so hard to keep it from happening.  In our exhausted efforts to be the perfect spouse, we stop being real.

Being a Ramey makes me his family, his partner, the one he chose to do life with - even in all our messiness. And now that our boys are Rameys, we are welcoming them as family too – to share life with them and love, honor, and cherish them.  Is there still fear in that?  Of course.   But we can each in our humanity say, “This is scary, and I’m not always sure how to do this, but I chose you and love you, and we can figure this out together.”  

*Photo - writing his name Wendy RAMEY