JOY?

I drive by this church's interesting quotes daily.  Most of the time I don't notice.  Today I noticed.  And I got angry.  I totally appreciate someone sharing their thoughts. It is not my intent to shame another for their opinion and insights. Freedom of speech, right?  And still something inside me just boiled.  I have done lots of "putting myself last" lately, and I haven't felt joy.

I know Matthew 22:37-39 - the verse about loving God with all your heart and soul.  And then it goes on to talk about loving your neighbor as yourself. It does not say "more than yourself" or "before yourself." It saddens me to think that drivers-by are being told that to have joy there must be an order to things and that you put yourself last. I'd like to share personally what happens when you put yourself last.

You know the announcement on the airplane when you get in, get cozy, and buckle your seatbelt? They tell you, "If we should lose cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will fall, and you need to secure your mask first before helping someone else with theirs." I've referenced this many times in blogs and with my clients in session. The point is that you cannot help someone else if you can't breathe. Love your neighbor as yourself. Help your neighbor as yourself.  All of us have equal rights to air.

Most people reading this know me and my story, but just in case you don't, I am a mother of 3 recently adopted adolescent children. I also run my own private counseling practice. A lot of my time is spent taking care of other people and tending to their needs and pain - helping them with their oxygen masks. I'm not complaining about this. I love my kids, and I love my job. And I am exhausted. I usually do the order of things in the church sign, sadly probably even neglecting my relationship with God to put other people first. And there is nothing about this that has brought me joy. Do I find joy in my children? Yes. Do I find joy in helping my clients? Yes. But I would not define ultimate Joy as putting myself last. I have just secured everyone else's oxygen masks and then started gasping for air. 

I realized this to be true recently whenever I was losing patience with my children, feeling burned out at work, and was getting angry about everything - like one dirty dish not being done. Turning up the volume on Radiohead was not for enjoyment but for sanity.  So this weekend Todd took the kids away on a trip. I was supposed to go with them for a soccer tournament. I wrestled with the guilt – what kind of mom am I if I don't go on this trip with my family and watch my kid play soccer? I'll tell you what kind of mom I am – one that's about to be passed out with her oxygen mask still dangling above her head. So at dinner on Thursday night I broke it to the boys that I would not be going with them this weekend. I explained that mom needed a little break to take care of herself. Surprisingly this was embraced well by all of them. Woody even said, "Mom you should take a spa day. Just take your mind off everything.  I saw that on TV."

I cannot even begin to explain to you what this weekend has been like for me. I have rediscovered things about myself. I subscribed to Apple Music and streamed tons of new tunes I love. I danced to it in my kitchen while I made my favorite gluten-free cookies. And I listened to the explicit versions, because my kids weren't  home, and sometimes the bleeped out versions just aren't enough for how I need to express myself. I signed up for Stitch Fix – a personal online stylist who will send me a shipment of clothes based on my style and personality profile. This meant I had to really think about my style and personality. I haven't done that in forever. And what I found out about myself I actually really liked. I colored. I cried. I found a new wine I liked. I did take that spa day Woody told me to take. I had tea with a friend and heard myself say things out loud that needed to be heard and witnessed. I realized that almost everything I wanted to get done this weekend still got done when I tended to them as I was pulled toward them rather than how I placed them with urgency on a Post-it note. I sat outside and watched the deer play in my backyard while I talked to Jesus and let him love me just as I was – still in my pajamas and not getting ready for church. I was already there. I wrote this blog. I love writing, and I remembered how it felt to be creative and share my heart.  And I found so much grace for whoever put their creative acrostic on that church marquee. I just respectfully disagree.  

This weekend I felt joy. And I was not putting myself last.  For the first time in a long time I prioritized myself. I secured my oxygen mask. And I  also can't wait to see my husband and kids tonight. By connecting with myself, I also connect (and deeper) with Jesus and others.  I think of Joy as Jesus, Others, and Yourself - in no particular order, but in a beautifully interwoven relationship where all are necessary with every breath.