It's Like Riding a Bike

I cringe when I hear people say, "It's easy - just like riding a bike." I am 36 years old, and I just learned to ride a bike.  

I could not admit this to anyone before.  A handful of special people in my life knew the truth, but the few times I let it slip in a not-so-safe group of people, the confused looks and laughter made me want to run, hide, and vomit.  

I could spend this post focusing on all the sad and painful reasons I never learned before now. I’ve actually spent time in therapy talking about it.  One thing I know for sure is I never really was any good at “playing.” Riding a bike didn’t seem like a good use of time.  How productive could that be really? I remember playing with my friends and cousins as a kid sometimes, but I honestly can’t remember what I did for fun.  I remember recess at school being traumatic – like what the hell am I supposed to do with that slide and monkey bars?  My spring breaks in high school and college were spent working – I always had a job to do.

But now I have kids, and they want to play.  (Insert explicative here, because I promised myself I would limit myself to one cuss word in this post, and I already used it).  HOW DO I PLAY?  And they want to ride bikes!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So I admitted my shameful secret to them – “Guys, I don’t know how to ride a bike, and I am really bad at playing. Can you teach me?”

Because our boys are still learning English, their communication and words are very precise and full of as much meaning as they can get in one sentence. It is short, yet deep – constant one liners that make my heart jump.  So when Woody said, “Mom, only move the handles.  Keep your body straight when you feel scared,” it made all kinds of sense to me.  I had been spending my life moving my body around in defensive response to the fear of losing control – the feeling of being overwhelmed and unbalanced.  The flailing and fighting only left me tired and more unbalanced.  What if I could let my body rest and guide myself through the fear?  (This is way more than about bike riding).  Then Wilnes said, “You have to fall down a lot to learn. I have many scars on my knees.”  Right?  Soak that in. I’m not even going to say much more about that, because my boys said enough.  

So I rode a bike. I am slow at it.  I am still learning to navigate as the curves and hills come.  And that’s okay.  This is exactly how life feels right now as a new mom of 3 older adopted children.  I’m falling down a lot. I’m scared.  It feels out of control.  But I am holding my body and heart in balance with gentleness and compassion while I get used to these new wheels.  

~Are you learning something new in your life? New wife, mom, job, etc?

~What is scary about this?

~Remind yourself it’s okay to fall – it’s part of the learning.  What did that scar show you?

~Ask your body what it might need to help you feel more balanced while you are learning.