The Other Woman

Her skin is darker than mine, and her smile takes up all the space in the room.  She laughs even though she is burdened, and she plays even though she is tired.  I compare myself to her as if we should somehow be carried with the same amount of love and admiration in our boys’ hearts.  But when I let the comparison go I just see 2 strong and courageous women – imperfect, broken, and beautiful.  And we have touched the men in our lives with a love that has no score.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation of being or having “the other woman” – birth mother, adoptive mother, step mother, betrayed wife, affair partner, the new best friend in the new town, the old best fried in the hometown, co-heads of a department or company, supporting actress to the lead? There are so many scenarios in which we hold ourselves up like 2 mirrors side by side and try to either see the same thing or break the other mirror.  There is so much emotion around not being the “one” that holds all the space in the heart of your shared audience or loved one – shame, guilt, anger, sadness. And in our struggle to win, gain more attention, push the other out, stay in the background, or be the same, we lose the beauty of our unique selves that draws us into authentic relationships.  Regardless of any scenario you are in as the other woman, YOU are the woman that needs YOUR attention.  And when you offer yourself that connection and love, you can either: 1)For a continued healthy relationship - accept the other into a shared role in which you both uniquely contribute, or 2) For someone you need to break ties with - you can release any need to figure her out or compare her since you can’t both hold the same space anymore.

I have been in both of these scenarios – one that needed to bond and one that needed to break.  And both have required me to show up with a genuine love and discovery of who I am separate from the other woman. It is an ongoing journey.  I have always held a genuine love and care for my boys’ birth mother, yet I have worried I can never be the same kind of mother to them as she was. And the reality is I cannot.  As I laughed, danced, and shared photos of our children with her, I am reminded of how love can just be there without any need to measure it.  I can accept the time of our boys’ lives she witnessed and accept mine now. I asked her about their births, and she asked me about their soccer games.  And she glowed as she told me how happy she is for them now.  I can’t imagine the grief she must hold as their birth mother all while entrusting me joyfully as their mother too.

And when releasing the other woman who needs no more space in your life, the same can be true even if there’s not a happy acceptance of each other.  Notice both of you as broken people who hurt, grieve, and fall apart.  I am learning forgiveness is not a task to check off as “done” – it is a journey to keep living out.  And that journey requires more focus on the total living, breathing, feeling soul inside your own body – not hers.  Let her go knowing she is a part of a story that may have pointed you toward your own growth somehow. And she doesn’t have to stay a character in the story anymore.  You are always the First Lady of your own House.