Baby Got Back

I had an unexpected break from work today.  People were sick and cancelled their appointments, so I looked at my afternoon and wondered what to do with myself.  My husband is out of town for work.  My kids are at school and basketball games.  I spend much of my time tending to others’ needs, so I usually have to get my magnifying glass to find pockets of minutes in my iCal to do something just for me. But St. Valentine just dropped a big block of hours in my day.  I felt pulled to the mall. I never go to the mall.  In fact I don’t like it, but today it felt like where I was supposed to go.  I needed jeans, but I hate shopping for them. I decided to "try on" a new perspective, and it was so healing. I realized today was about loving my body.

The relationship I have with my butt is an ever-growing (no pun intended) connection.  I started “filling out” at the age of 11 – but not where I wanted to. I had to wear these really tight pants as part of my uniform at my first job at McDonald’s, and a trucker said to my 16 yr old self, “You fill out those pants real nice, darlin’.” I felt disgusting.  A family member told me I needed a wide-load sign on my butt.  True story.  It was said as a joke, but a 14 yr old girl does not find this funny.  I began to make my own big butt jokes, because hey, I want to put myself down before you do.  I started diets…or just didn’t eat. My face and waist were bones, but that backside kept her curves.  She wasn’t budging.  When Sir Mix-A-Lot came out with “Baby Got Back” I felt like it was my anthem.  I acted like it didn’t bother me when someone said about me, “Isn’t she a little too thick to be Miss Teen of Oklahoma?” But I died inside. And I quickly responded, “It was a scholarship and recognition pageant – you have to be SMART to win!”  I thought I was somehow putting him in his place, but really I was just agreeing I was thick but had other qualities to cover up for it.  In a singing competition I was told not to wear jeans on stage because, “You’re a little too curvy.” I’ve got more stories like this. And the thing is I WASN’T EVEN OVERWEIGHT! But my butt and people’s opinions of it made me feel like I was as big as Texas.  Even as I write this I am crying a little for that young beautiful girl in me who thought her ass was her identity and that it was too much.

Shopping for jeans was the absolute worst. I suspect it is for many females. But when you are 5’3” with an hourglass figure, there are a variety of problems. The waistline sticks out, you have to hem them for your short legs, if the waist fits then your butt looks giant…er.  As an adolescent I would cry at the Buckle store every mother-loving time.  I just went in and self-proclamied, “I need jeans for a big butt.” Here’s what happened today.  I walked right in and proudly asked for help  and said, “It’s always been so hard for me to find jeans for my body shape. I have a small waist and these really rocking curves. Can you help me?”  She smiled and was so excited.  She brought me 10 pairs to try on. I felt like a queen. She just kept bringing jeans and asking me what I thought about them.  I did not put my body down one time. I said things like, “these don’t accentuate the right spots.” I didn’t blame my body. I blamed the jeans and put those back.  And I found my jeans. I danced in the mirror. I celebrated this booty-ful woman I saw.   

Those stories from men in my past told my little girl self a story about her worth and beauty.  I grieved with her.  I showed compassion to her. And now I am telling her a new story – that I am a grown-ass woman who has her back now.  I won’t let those stories be hers anymore.  We do what highlights our beauty. We ask for help. I don’t hide her or shame her.  I put her in new jeans and remind her that even these clothes and how she looks in them aren’t a measure of her worth. When I changed perspective, I found the jeans.  I rescued her. I found mySELF.