Reality and Resilience

Most days I wake up with my mind rolling through my schedule like a news ticker at the bottom of my brain.  It’s always there – scrolling and drawing me back to it – like a flashing “don’t forget!”  I find it hard to focus on what is plainly on the screen of my awareness. That damn ticker just keeps scrolling and distracting.  It’s been this way since being baptized by the motherhood fire 2 years ago.  Many messages I heard before the boys came home were:

“You can’t do this – bring 3 kids home and work. It’s too much.”

“You’re bringing 3 children home at once? That’s a lot.”

“How are you going to do that?”

I have always had an “I can do anything” attitude.  One of my mantras was LL Cool J’s “Doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well.” So when people said these things to me, I was like “I got this. Watch me.”  Holy sheet, after 2 years of them home now it’s like, “I clearly don’t have this.  Don’t even look at me.” 

So the scrolling ticker in my brain is the last thread of “nailing it” I have left.  I am thankful because it keeps me going on most days and helps me meet the demands.  And I have also learned how it distracts and keeps me from being present.  I am constantly in schedule mode or “what is next.”  That ticker helps me not be caught off guard or miss something in a family of 5.  And I am thankful for that part of me.  And I have also missed out on a lot of joy and just being alive.  I moved so quickly and fiercely into parenting that now 2 years later I’m looking back and noticing where I missed some really important cues of just being right here, right now. 

Some hard realities I have faced as a new mother:

1    1. My hormones are jacked up just as if I birthed 3 babies. Post-partum depression is a very real possibility for any kind of new mom.

2    2. I cannot just go to work and plan my day as usual. I have soccer practices and games, doctor and other appointments (x3), etc.  There are 3 little men in my care to teach how to boil water, how to drive, and how to treat young women.  No pressure.

3    3. I have lost my identity somewhere along the way. I miss the fun girl I used to be – who dropped plans last minute and went to grab drinks with a friend or packed gear up for the weekend to camp with my husband.  She is still there, but she is in a corner of my mind grieving her lost freedoms.

4    4. I am lonely.  My friends are also in this stage of life, so I can’t just call someone up to go out on a whim. I contacted at least 10 friends last weekend to go see “Bad Moms” with me – NO ONE could go.  They were all out of town or busy being in this same stage of life we are all trying to figure out.

5    5. My marriage gets the shaft.  Conversations are about schedules, meal plans, someone’s health needs, school meetings, homework, clothing needs for growing boys, how to fit soccer club in the budget, and how to manage their trauma and special needs. None of this is in the least bit sexy.  We stare at each other not recognizing the other person sometimes. We are exhausted and hungry for deeper connection.

6    6. My needs don’t get prioritized. And when I do prioritize them, I feel guilty about the cost or time spent. I “should have spent that time or money some other way.”

7    7. Everything costs more, and I have a hard time budgeting for the constant unknowns of raising 3 kids.

8    8. There are more things I could add to this list, but the ticker just distracted me to the other things I need to do today and that I should probably wrap this up.

I am not knocking motherhood.  I am grateful for these boys. I am flooded with joy and gratitude when I remember seeing their little bodies crowd into a hot dirty room for “school” in an orphanage and now see them adorably run down our driveway to catch the bus after having a solid meal.  It’s those moments I let the ticker just roll, and I turn my gaze and attention to the miracle of their being.  I am reminded of who they are and who they are becoming. And I am part of their story. I am reminded of the first time I held them, the time I came home and told Todd I had met our children, the time we held each other and sobbed because we spent 2 blissful days with them before having to board a plane and leave them behind in a different orphanage with new faces, “new” soiled mattresses, and my old Bible with Psalm 139 bookmarked.  I am reminded of the beauty of being pregnant in the wait and then laboring in delivery - even in adoption.  And I am reminded what a toll that takes on parents, on marriages, and on our bodies.  I am in awe of the resilience we can muster.

Today I woke up hopeful. I noticed the ticker scrolling. And I also noticed it was Saturday.  I slept in a little longer. I asked my oldest son about the football game last night and about his time with his girlfriend.  I smelled the bacon Todd cooked for them. I poured my coffee and wrote this blog.  I am living.  I am doing the best I can. And I've got more blog posts up my sleeve about how I am making it in the midst of items 1-8 above.

I’ve got this.  Go ahead and watch me.