Not every day feels like "I do." If you are married, then you probably know this. I remember being such a princess-like 26 yr old in my gorgeous wedding gown, perfectly manicured fingers and toes, and long extensions in my hair thinking, "Oh man, this is it, I'm going to be a wife. Happily ever after!" Then fast forward to a few months later throwing pizza at each other late one night in the kitchen because we were probably having "that same fight" we always have. Not every day felt magical. And guess what, it's not supposed to. And how often does anyone tell you that? Marriage isn't about magical love and feeling blissful and happy all the time. And it's certainly not about agreeing with each other all the time. But when you aren't blissful or in agreement, you still know someone has your back. Someone gets you. Someone is willing to come back around after that pizza slice has been thrown and say, "Whoops, here's what I really meant to say or do." We are all just humans, so we're going to mess up in relationships and say or do about a million things we wish we hadn't. It's about the repair. It's about being willing to think about what you really feel underneath it all and say it out loud to the other person. Maybe instead of throwing pizza, I wanted to say, "I'm so hurt and embarrassed." But because my pride wouldn't let me be vulnerable, my anger felt stronger and more empowering. So I took that route. And I've learned it doesn't work. Here's what we are learning works:
"I see you." This applies to myself and my husband. When I'm overcome with emotion, I stop and say to myself, "OK, I see you, Laura - what's going on?" And I am practicing every day just seeing Todd too. What's really behind his tone or under his words? Is this really about me or a bad day he's having? I ask questions. I get curious. This all helps me so much more than falling into my shame spiral when I assume something he is saying or doing is about something I've done wrong. I get to know HIM by what he's saying about HIS OWN experience. And I can trust if there's something he needs to tell me about me or something I've done to hurt or upset him, then he'll say so. I love this excerpt from Rising Strong by Brene Brown that explains more about this so beautifully - click here. I heard a wonderful quote, and I wish I could tell you exactly who said it, but I heard it at a recent therapist training in Internal Famliy Systems - "Listening does not mean agreeing." Yes! This phrase has set me free in so many ways. I listen to get to know someone - to understand them more fully. I don't have to become them or join with their rationale in order to be in relationship with them. I just have to listen with curiosity and compassion. And I still get to be me with my own thoughts and feelings.
I am not the same girl Todd married. We have had that discussion many times too. On October 7, 2006, I was a devout Baptist, ate lots of gluten, didn't recycle a thing, was a chronic people pleaser, and was pretty sure people got married because they were supposed to - and then make babies. Nine years later we'll just say this has all changed. And that's the other thing I wish someone would have told me - that it's okay to change. That it's okay to really seek out yourself - what you like, believe, wish, love, dream of, hope for. And that what you may find on your self-expedition might be different than what it was in your twenties. And that doesn't mean my marriage is over because "I'm not the same girl anymore." It means Todd is married to a grown ass woman who knows herself now. And I see how he's changed too. It's uncomfortable sometimes, but it grows and matures us. Every day we lean into the beauty of our individuality and how no matter what changes in us as people, we are choosing to keep seeing each other and reaching for connection. We aren't getting this perfect, and we're not supposed to. Neither are you. We can all just be willing. That goes a long way in love.
