The Fall

As much as I love the Fall, this blog is not about my favorite season.  I started today with a lot of decisions to make –confusing and hard decisions.  So I took a walk.  I needed to clear my head, talk to Jesus, spend some time with myself – like really hear myself and all the different “parts” of me that needed attention. My clients and colleagues who know about IFS know all about the “parts” language, and my story will hopefully help you come to notice a bit of your own “parts in charge” that keep you stuck.

My achiever part was really the one in charge on that walk.  She wouldn’t let me leave the house without my phone.  Her voice goes like this, “Listen, I know you want to just walk, clear your head, and all that other stuff that sounds like it could be good for you, but we’ve really got a lot of stuff to do.  Just take your phone with you so you can make a few calls and send a few texts while you’re taking in all that fresh air and sunshine.  It won’t hurt – just multitask!” I listened to her.  I listen to her a lot. 

About 10 steps out of my driveway, I whipped my phone out to start checking off that list of calls and texts.  Ah, here we go – sunshine AND productivity!  But with my eyes on my phone, I didn’t see a pothole.  But my foot found it.  It rolled.  My right knee took a good hit, and my phone went flying.  What do you do after something like this happens?  Yes, I looked around to see who had seen me.  Surely someone is looking out their kitchen window at me getting such entertainment by my ridiculousness. My pride was throbbing and burning more than my foot or knee. I sat there in my shame for about 10 minutes, and then realized I was bleeding and possibly may not be able to walk.  But my achiever part said, “come on, girl, just shake it off.  You’re not hurt.  I bet you can still take this walk.” I listened to her again.  And I hobbled around for most of the rest of the day – pretty sure it was just sore or bruised or whatever.

And now I’m sitting here elevated with ice and can’t walk.  After carrying me to the kitchen to eat dinner, Todd said, “honey, your walks are for YOU.”  He’s right.  I’m so ashamed.  I knew better.  (Enter my “critic part” who likes to beat me up for all my bad decisions and yell at my achiever for trying to do too much).  I just cried.  I know that.  But my achiever part doesn’t know that.  This is what she believes…

If I achieve, people will notice. They will appreciate me.  They will find me worthy – a worthy wife, parent, friend, person, etc.  If I get things done I am proving how strong I am.  If I push through the pain and exhaustion, then I am a badass.  And if I’m worthy, I will be loved.  She learned today that potholes don’t care about that.  They aren’t bias to who steps in them.  And actually the badasses rocking tasks on their phones are definitely more prone to their entrapment.  She was so caught up in getting things done, she was not present – literally couldn’t see in front of her. And when things get so cloudy like that, something has to stop her.  It literally means stopping her in her tracks.

So, here’s what I want my achiever part (and all your achiever parts to know)…

 Thank you, my hard working achiever part, for all you are trying to do for me. You really do a great job! I’m so thankful for you. Do you know how lovely you are even when you take a break? Do you know I might actually get more done if I pause, rest, take a time out from the rest of the busy world to take care of myself?  Do you know you are still loved if you mess up? You are still loved if you rest.  You are still loved if you focus on one task at a time.  You are still loved if you miss a meeting or a chore or a deadline.  You are still worthy. You are still enough. So just breathe, Miss Achiever. Sit here with your elevated ankle on ice and just breathe.  And pick up that new Brene Brown “Rising Strong” book and get some encouragement.  Cry a little. Text your girlfriends and be vulnerable. Write this blog and admit you quite literally fell down on your job today.  Tomorrow is a new day.  You can stop fighting so hard to be better. You are loved right here and now in your absolute mess.  You are loved even after you fall.