I am an Achiever (type 3) on the enneagram personality
assessment (find your type here by clicking on the FREE RHETI Sampler). Quiet
makes me panic. My to-do list gets
longer and longer. It's a total high to scratch finished
items off.
I strategize daily how I can make more happen. And I often lay my head
down on my pillow at night with shame about all the things that aren’t done –
there ready for my attack in the morning.
I believe, somehow, that if I can do and be more, I am more valuable,
worthy, and lovable. Doing keeps me
seen. Performing keeps me loved. Achieving keeps me worthy. I think.
Here’s what those things also do. Doing keeps me busy. Performing keeps me
disconnected from myself. Achieving
keeps me tired. Yet it terrifies me to
let go of my plan or throw my task lists in the recycling bin (because hey, if
I’m going to get rid of them, let’s make good environmental choices, right?). I just almost shat myself thinking about not
having a list. Without the list, where
is the direction? Without the performance will people still love me? Without the achievement, will anyone even
notice me anymore? My constant question
is “If I don’t do it, who will?” So I even keep accepting tasks that aren’t
mine to do. And sometimes it flows over into other people’s tasks. I seem to think
there are better ways for them to perform too.
My poor children are going to know how to most efficiently load a
dishwasher – as if there is a blue ribbon for the most beautifully stacked
bottom basket. Seriously?
I am not ashamed of who I am. I am coming to accept that my
personality naturally tends me toward perpetual motion. AND I am coming to accept that I don’t have
to let it cripple or harm me. How can I
(and you) embrace the way I am beautifully made, yet be mindful of where it may
be getting in the way?
The verse “Be still and know I am God” (Psalm 46:10) has
always brought me much fear and shame. “Be
still” – ugh, I feel like I’m doomed to fail immediately. But God, I don’t know how to be still! When I read on to the “and know” part, there
is a slight hint of freedom and a longing to understand more.
In the same way we have to parent our very different children
differently, I believe God does the same thing with us. He knows that if he asked me to just “be
still” I might have a full-on temper tantrum.
So in my searching of this verse in other translations, I found in the
Message, “Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High
God…” YES, that’s it! That’s what I feel God inviting me to do –
get out of the traffic. Take a new
road. It’s okay to keep moving as long as I’m more
aware of the direction I’m heading and the signs I’m following. I don't have to stay on the same internal busy highway I take every day. And I don't have to be the one always in the driver's seat. When I can take a long loving look at God,
whether I’m doing the dishes, playing a game with my kids, or breaking it down to my favorite hip-hop music, I can stop relying on my
own human strength. I let go. I release my tasks, actions, and decisions from being obligations. I can trust that my movement is
for restoration, not expectation. While
there are certainly times that literally “being still” has its benefits, I
don’t have to expect myself to be able to do that well all the time. I can let myself be in movement – out of the
traffic, toward the place where my soul meets Jesus and lets me be loved. One of my favorite things to do is walk in my
neighborhood down to this little river.
Each time I reach this place, I stop and take a deep breath, stretch my
body, and give gratitude. I’m not
physically still, but my mind and heart find a quiet place of trust in that
moment.
~Does your personality welcome or resist physical
stillness? Why? Try not to shame or judge your answer. Just
notice it.
~What does “be still” mean for YOU? Is that scary? What could it mean instead?
~How/what do you “know” when you find this “stillness?”
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