Black and White

It is often suggested that we not see things so black and white. There is always much gray in the middle. Or there are so many other colors in the spectrum.  Most days I get this idea - even embrace it.  But on this day, I couldn't help but recognize the beauty of the extremes.  

I watched my boys walk with their cousins through a corn maze.  It is rare that I think about the color differences in our family. I just know they are my kids, and it doesn’t cross my mind until we are curiously inspected by others.  Then I remember, oh yeah, we are a different color!  But the day I watched them walk with their cousins I realized how beautiful that difference is - how complimenting our differences can be.  It doesn’t have to be about different being wrong or weird – but different being normal.  I thought about how some children are born into families and how others are placed into families – both offer gifts.   We can celebrate our differences, embrace them, walk together in them, let them glow in the light of each other.

This picture reminds me of more than color and race.  It makes me think of religion, sexuality, politics, choices, opinions, personalities.  It reminds me that black and white are necessary in order to have a colorful world.  We are all beautifully and wonderfully made, and we are all just trying to walk the crazy, twisting, maze of life together.    

Quiet

It’s quiet.  I can hear myself.  Today the quiet doesn’t scare me anymore.  I remember the days it did - the four long years that the quiet was so loud it rattled my insides.  I longed for laughter, music, voices, boy noise to fill my home.  And it is finally here.  But right now my favorite men are at work and school, and it is quiet again – the peaceful reassuring quiet that comes just before the school bus comes around.  This quiet says, “I’m here, but not for long.  How do you want to use this time before it’s not quiet anymore?”

I have whiplash from the complete jolt that happens when you go from no kids to 3 kids.  And not just 3 kids – 3 big kids.  We aren’t changing diapers or rocking them to sleep.  (I grieve we didn’t get to do that with them, though).  We are packing lunches, talking to teachers about classroom struggles, trying out for sports, learning English, explaining that what just happened to them was a “shart,” and other fun boy things.  We went from silence to full-on adolescent boy clamor. And it’s beautifully chaotic.

So in this moment of quiet I asked myself what I needed. What am I not getting to do that I used to do when there was so much quiet?  The answer - write.  I love writing. And before it was about all my sorrows that came with the quiet.  And ironically now it’s more about how to find some solitude – a sense that I haven’t gotten lost in my sons’ laundry baskets.  My intention is never to complain or have a “poor pitiful me” attitude. My intention is always to connect.  Because life just gets hard sometimes, and I believe someone out there feels what I am feeling – or has, or will.   And a big thing I’ve learned for myself is that I just need to know I’m not alone.  When I let even a little vulnerability out, even if it’s Debbie Downer messy, I might want to run straight to my shame shack for letting you see it, but in the end I always feel better being out of hiding.  I connect.  My mess doesn’t feel so consuming when I realize I’m part of a bigger group of souls who have their hands raised waiting on someone to call on them and say, “Yes, you with the quivering tired hand, what do you need?”

So I’m writing again when I can.  I have resigned myself to the fact that it won’t be as much as before, but I can let it be.  And I’m excited that part of the writing will be a book. It may flop.  It may not ever make it on a shelf, but I’m writing it, because the precious few moments of quiet invite me to feed a part of me that is ready to tell a story and come alive.  

Some thoughts for you…

~Maybe you have lots of “quiet” in your life right now?  How do you notice you spend this time?  Is it too quiet?  What is the “noise” you are looking for?  How could you begin to invite or notice it?

~Or maybe it’s really noisy in your life right now.  How can you find some pockets of quiet? And what would you do in those invaluable moments?

~It’s easy to fill up quiet with more noise that isn’t fulfilling.  Or on the flip side, filling up with more quiet can be draining and lonely.  Both quiet and noise have their pros and cons. What are those pros and cons for YOU? They are different for everyone. 

Finding Your Rhythm

I wandered toward the drums like they were the call of the Sirens.  I noticed the great crowd of people who had been drawn in the same way.  As I got closer, I felt my muscles relax, my curiosity peak, and my body begin to dance.  The immediate sight I saw were all those on the “outside” of the circle – the spectators. Some stood still.  Some moved ever so slightly – the “I hope no one sees me” dancers.  As I moved more inside the circle, there it was – the most beautiful vision of all kinds of people joining in rhythm.   I saw all colors and races of people dancing together, laughing, moving. Some had dreadlocks.  Some were smoking.  Some delighted in their children jumping and giggling.  Adults and children with disabilities joyfully clapped and swayed. I felt kin to each person through the music.  We were all invited to play  - by these men and women who simply brought their drum to the circle and started making sound together.  There was no sheet music, no script. Someone started a beat, another joined, until everyone’s individual rhythm blended to make beautiful harmony.  Some even brought their drum to play, but stayed outside the circle until they felt ready to join.

I was moved by the music, but more by this picture of life.  Every different type of person was represented here.  No one was arguing. Everyone was being uniquely himself or herself, and it blended beautifully. No matter who they were or what they were doing, we had all come here to be part of something bigger.  To watch, dance, play, move, or just be still.  Everyone wanted to connect and still be themselves – even if they hadn’t found their rhythm yet.  I asked myself, “What is my part here? How am I moved?  What am I drawn to?”  Then I realized I was smiling, laughing, and dancing with the precious older couple standing next to me. Sometimes the answers don’t have to be so forced – sometimes you just notice the rhythm that is already moving you.

You may not like drums. You may not care about dancing. But you can always be a participant in the circle of players, and your piece matters.  Where are you in the circle?  

 

Mood Management wtih Essential Oils

Did you know that essential oils not only have physical healing properties, but emotional as well? In his book Emotions and Essential Oils, Daniel McDonald notes the five stages of healing with essential oils:

1.     Essential oils assist in healing the physical body

2.     Essential oils assist in healing the heart

3.     Essential oils assist in releasing limiting beliefs

4.     Essential oils increase spiritual awareness and connection

5.     Essential oils inspire the fulfillment of our life’s purpose

      One of my favorite oils is Bergamot, “the oil of self acceptance.”  Daniel McDonald notes, “Bergamot is a wonderful anti-depressant.  It awakens the soul to hope and offers courage to share the inner-self.  Bergamot teaches individuals to let go of self-judgment by learning to love themselves unconditionally.”

To learn more about Bergamot and the many emotional benefits of other essential oils, Dr. Carolyn Maxfield and I welcome you to join us for a class on “Mood Management with Essential Oils.” You will have the opportunity to explore your limiting beliefs about yourself (which can manifest as physical pain in your body!), experience the oils, and learn more about how they may help if you feel emotionally “stuck.”

WHEN:  Thursday, July 10 – 6:30-8:30pm (class will be approximately 1.5 hrs with time at the end for questions. Dr. Maxfield is also willing to muscle test you on the oils as time allows)

WHERE:  MTCAM office - 7123 Crossroads Blvd. Suite A, Brentwood, TN 37027

RSVP:  drcarolymaxfield@gmail.com or 615-656-3558

***If you cannot attend the class but would like more info about essential oils, please email me at laurarameylmft@gmail.com

Awakening

So often I get these questions from my clients - or even from friends, family, and myself...

What is the purpose of pain? 

What is the reason for hardship?  

Why must we struggle sometimes?

I don't know.  I have these on my list of things to ask Jesus when I get to Heaven.  That list is long.

But here's what I do know about those questions.  Pain, hardship, struggle don't have to overcome us. They can be part of a developmental process we must go through in order to be the truest and most beautiful version of ourselves.  If the caterpillar didn't struggle, it wouldn't become a butterfly.

So what would it look like to embrace pain?  To welcome hardship?  To lean into the struggle?  I'm not sure what that looks like for each person reading this.  But what is universal to everyone is that when we go to our deepest feelings - when we are forced to look at the most vulnerable parts of ourselves, we are AWAKENED. We free those painful parts from their bondage. And we become a victor rather than a victim to our circumstances. 

You have all heard me talk so much about our adoption process. I can't help it.  It's the season of my life that has taught me more than I ever wanted to know about pain, fear, disappointment, hardship, and struggle.  And as we near the end of waiting, I can review this journey as a true healing and anointing place in my life.  I am almost a butterfly version of myself.  And I like her so much more. I am awake.  I had to face these struggles to get to my truest SELF - and I still face struggles and still seek myself daily.  That is the promise of living.

So whatever "embracing your struggle" looks like, I want to share a poem I wrote this morning on a stormy day in Nashville:

Awakening
By: Laura Melrose Ramey

Good morning, day! Good morning, rain!
Can you see my sorrow and pain?
Can your dawn make something new?
Can your drops make my drops few?

Can you hear my shame-filled heart
Cry for cleansing and a fresh start?
Does your work carry dark and gloom?
Or can this downpour make beauty bloom?

I hear it play like music outside,
And I won't fear. I won't hide.
I can trust the sun will come again.
This rain, this day - they restore within.

So I listen and welcome you - oh, dark and dreary,
Because I know my soul won't always be weary.
You invite me to stillness while you pour out,
And I let go of fear, worry, and doubt.

I can find peace, although still shaken.
Because your song invites me to awaken.
Thank you, day! Thank you, rain!
For seeing and washing my sorrow and pain.

Mother Guilt

Recently a dear friend and fellow therapist put these questions out to a group of mamas..

What is your relationship with mother guilt?
How does she show up in your role as a mom?
How has it changed over time? Past, present and future ideas of guilt?
What is the message of your guilt?

And I put this assignment off for a very long time.  Ugh.  Mother guilt is the worst.  She says "I am not doing enough to get my kids home, and I am abandoning them."  Four years of waiting on my boys allows a lot of time for more guilt to pile up.  So I share this very vulnerable place in me with sincere hopes that it says to even just one other woman, "You're not alone."  There are all types of mamas - biological kids, adopted kids, waiting for kids, struggling with infertility, kids grown, kids passed away, have no contact with kids, on the list goes.  And we all have this in common - GUILT.  And I truly hope as I share my guilt story, you can share whatever your mother guilt story is as well.  And let's set ourselves free.

My name is Laura Ramey, and I have Mother Guilt.  My past relationship with mother guilt is that I have never been a woman who was dying to have a baby. What is wrong with me that I don't long to have a child growing in my womb?  Where is that mothering bone in my body - or am I missing it? And then I met my boys in Haiti. I knew instantly they were mine. And it made sense why I hadn't longed to get pregnant. I still feel guilt every now and then that I'm not being fruitful and multiplying by making a little Todd and Laura combo, but that guilt pales in comparison to the present guilt I feel of being in my Williamson County home cooking my organic chicken while my 3 sons eat another bowl of rice and beans in their little orphanage dining room while we all wait on this crazy adoption process to be completed.

I feel guilt that someone else helps Wendy write his alphabet, because he writes his letters backwards or upside down.  I want to be the one helping him.  I feel guilt that when Woody stutters and the other kids make fun of him, I can't hug him and tell him how I proud I am that he is learning to read.  I feel guilt that Wilnes is in puberty and has sexual thoughts and feelings he doesn't understand, and I can't help him make sense of it.  I feel guilt that I'm sitting here with my cozy blanket around me, candle lit, and a glass of wine while my children are getting ready to lay their bodies to sleep on urine-soaked mattresses, because they wet the bed so often - because they are traumatized, scared, lonely.  I FEEL GUILT.

I feel guilt that over a year ago I walked into the office of the woman that held the pen to sign off on our papers, and I couldn't convince her to sign. She told me I couldn't handle raising 3 boys.  She may be right.  And I feel guilt about that.  I feel guilt every time I have to say goodbye.  I bring all this love, joy, laughter, toys, gifts, food into their lives for 4-6 days at a time and then drive back to the airport alone, leaving us all in tears waiting for someone to give us a f'ing answer about when we get to be together for good.  And now I feel guilt for using the "F" word, because someone reading this might think I'm not being Christian enough or trusting God's timing enough.  Every time I say goodbye it's like I've abandoned them again.  There is no amount of bubble gum, peanut butter, and hip-hop music I can bring with me to lighten this sadness for us.  I am helpless and powerless, and I feel guilt thinking somehow I should be able to be more help-FUL and power-FUL.  And for crying out loud, I'm a therapist, so then I feel guilty for not knowing how to handle it all!

So Mother Guilt certainly has her not-so-pretty little fingers wrapped around me pretty tightly.  And I'm learning to stop, take deep breaths, F-bomb if I need to, and then ask for lots of grace and help from my Heavenly Father (and other people who are willing to enter the craziness with me).  It's truly the only thing that brings me peace. I realize when I strive for "super mommy" I miss the really good stuff that God can do out of mess and chaos.  I picture myself as the clay in the Potter's Hands.  I keep falling apart, but He keeps putting me back together.  Mother Guilt can break me, but He makes me new again....and again.  And He is parenting all of us (more on that in my other blog post on "parenting from afar" - click here).  When I remember I'm not parenting alone, Mother Guilt can't grip me so tight anymore. It's too much to carry by myself - and I can always tell when the Mother Guilt hits the hardest is the very time I'm attempting to carry it alone.  So in a way she's a bittersweet reminder to reach out for help and connection. 

What are your answers to these questions?  You're not alone, brave woman. 

What is your headache telling you?

Have you ever had a headache that no matter how many Excedrin you take it just won't go away?  Or the ongoing stomach ache for which you can't find a remedy?  Our feelings, thoughts, life events, and traumas can become stored in the body.  And even if an extra Advil does work for awhile, it can't keep the pain from recurring until the root cause is understood.  Sometimes the root may be a deeper medical issue.  And almost always there is an emotional component as well.  Our brain, the control center for our emotions, talks to all parts of our bodies; therefore, when we have an emotional release it may offer a physical release as well.  I remember a time I had the most horrible headache, and once I got a good cry out I felt so much better!

A resource I love is a book called "Heal Your Body A-Z"  by Louise Hay.  You can look up a specific ailment you are suffering and she suggests the probable emotional cause and offers a new thought pattern.  For example on page 38 she notes:

Headaches
Probable Cause: Invalidating the Self. Self-criticism. Fear
New Thought Pattern:  I love and approve of myself.  I see myself and what I do with eyes of love.  I am safe.

Because of this powerful mind-body connection, many of the referrals I get come from doctors - when all remedies and medicines have been tried, but the pain is still there - we explore the emotional block.  This is why I'm so excited to team up with Dr. Carolyn Maxfield of Middle Tennessee Center for Alternative Medicine.  Each month we are offering a FREE 1 hour process group for anyone interested in learning more about the mind-body connection and gaining tools for dealing with the emotional components of their physical pain. 

Our next meeting will be:

 Wednesday, April 30 

5:30-6:30pm

MTCAM office -7123 Crossroads Blvd Suite A

Brentwood TN 37027

                        

This month's topic will be on how depression and painful life events often show up in the body.  All are welcome to join and bring a friend!  RSVP to drcarolynmaxfield@gmail.com.